Being Seen

"It's really hard to go to church. I wish I could be invisible." This is the text I sent my husband Sunday morning.

One of the reasons I share on such a personal level is because I don't think I am alone in my struggles. The other reason is because I am trying to process my pain through the eyes of faith. My goal is to be sure of what I hope for and confident about what I don't see, but I'm not always sure how to do that. So,, if you're reading this, you're reading about a work in process.

When I had my brain surgery my facial nerve was tangled up in the tumor, so I ended up with half my face paralyzed. I wanted to be invisible not because there is no improvement but because there is. After two eye surgeries I can finally close my eye. The last time they did surgery the doctor even made it so my eye brow stays where it's supposed to be. I look better, but I have a bruised soul.

A paralyzed face is hard to hide, but a crushed spirit and a wounded heart are not always easily detected. So I wanted to be invisible. I didn't know how to respond to the duplicity I was experiencing, so I prayed to the God who really sees. When I go before God I go just as I am--broken, wounded, waiting. I wait with anticipation because in His presence I know that I am understood.

After the service my friends gathered around me. They encouraged me because they looked past my face and inquired about my heart. Because I knew they cared, I was able to put my struggle into words.

I believe in a God who dwells in the Highest Heaven and with those who have a crushed spirit and a wounded soul. It is hard to be vulnerable and wounded and to admit that your heart is hurting. But there is a deep healing that takes place when the Spirit of God touches you through the hands of other believers.