A Year Later

It was a hard year. It was a year of change. There were things that I had always taken for granted about my identity that I never thought would change, but they did. For example, last year when I had my brain surgery and my right auditory nerve was severed, I had no idea how isolated I would feel in a crowd. Losing the ability to hear much of what was being said has caused me to often feel alone even when surrounded by people. My severed balance nerve has caused me to feel a vulnerability I've never known before. A certain amount of confidence is lost when you're concerned about losing your balance. The expression to "lose face" means to be humiliated. To have your facial identity altered is hard; even though it has improved, it's still hard. But there are some things that haven't changed.

I remember last year when they rolled the gurney into the operating room. I saw all the people there, all the bright lights. I remember thinking how small the operating table seemed and how I didn't think I should still be conscious. Once I was placed on the operating table the head anesthesiologist began giving instructions about tilting my head back and holding me still. I could feel the panic rising in me. I also remember the prayer I prayed, "Jesus, take me to a place where my faith has no boundaries!"

I have found that a place where faith is without limits is best found when what you believe is tested. When I looked into the mirror shortly after surgery and I didn't recognize my own face I felt sick. My basic sense of identity was stripped away. But I have a deeper identity that I held on to. I found refuge and strength in the God who loves me; who promised to never leave me or forsake me.

When I woke up in the recovery room after surgery I experienced a thirst I had never known before. It was then I had a vision. I have been asked if perhaps it was a drug-induced hallucination; the truth is, I don't know. But what I do know is that what I saw so vividly then has stayed with me every day since. This is what I saw. I saw Jesus crying out, "If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the scripture has said, out of his heart will flow rivers of living water." My physical thirst was maddening, but in coming to Jesus I found the deepest thirst of my soul and spirit quenched.

A year has passed; a year of change, a difficult year, and yet it's also been a year when I have begun to experience a boundless trust empowered by the Spirit of God. The promise I received in the recovery room was not only that my thirst would be satisfied, but that "out of my heart would flow rivers of living water." Because what I saw was based on what I read in the the seventh chapter of John, I believe that it is true. I am grateful that living water can flow from broken vessels.

Peace When Your World Unravels

It all began with a negative thought no more significant than a tiny thread. But in the same way that a whole garment can become unraveled by pulling on a loose thread, my world felt like it was being ripped apart. Insignificant worries gave way to significant worries. My lack of control over personal concerns deepened into a world that felt as if it was spinning out of control.

I wanted and needed to change the direction of my thoughts, so I closed my physical eyes and opened the eyes of my spirit. I chose to meditate on the One who made everything; who stretched out the heavens by Himself; who alone spread out the earth. I found comfort in the God who established the earth and fixed its dimensions. I found rest in the strength of the One who supports the foundations of the earth. The God who laid the cornerstone while the morning stars sang together and all the sons of God shouted for joy!

My mind and soul and spirit was bathed in the light of His majesty and splendor. There was no room for any other thought as I meditated on the God who measured the waters in the hollow of His hand and marked off the heavens with the span of His hand. He brings out the starry hosts by number; He calls all of them by name. Because of His great power and strength, not one of them is missing. He is the everlasting God, the Creator of the whole earth, and He knows my name.

This is the same God to whom wisdom and power belongs. He is able to change times and seasons; He removes kings and establishes kings. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding. He reveals the deep and hidden things; He knows what is in the darkness, and light dwells with Him. Though He is the Almighty Lord of the Universe, He is also a loving Father. Even as a father stoops down to hear the voice of his child, in the same way my heavenly father has invited me to pour out my heart to Him in  prayer.

I know that sometimes the earth trembles and that there have been times when the mountains have toppled into the depths of the sea. The waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with its turmoil. Nations rage, kingdoms topple; and war brings devastation to the earth. It is in times like these when my world seems to be unraveling that I hear the voice of the Spirit speak to my spirit, "Be still, and know that I am God. I will be your refuge and strength, a helper who is always found in times of trouble. Do not be afraid."

Job 38, Isaiah 40, Daniel 2, Psalm 46

The Lost Power Cord

"I can't find the power cord!" With those words of panic a cyclone hit my home. It was a rapidly rotating storm with strong emotional winds.

The power cord had been attached to my computer but somehow the two had ended up in different parts of the house. The homework was about to be lost because the battery was dying. If we didn't find the power cord we wouldn't be able to print the work that had been done and all would be lost! Frantic energy was produced by the panic and I watched as my grandson ran from one room to another in a whirl of emotion. I found myself caught up in the intensity of the storm.

Earlier that day I had told my grandson how God had revealed a mystery to Daniel. I had explained to Jack how Daniel had prayed to God seeking understanding that only God could give him. When God answered Daniel's prayers Daniel had praised God by saying, "He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding. He reveals the deep and hidden things; He knows what is in the darkness, and light dwells with Him." (Daniel 2:21-23) I had told my grandson that we had access to the same God Daniel did, yet when we couldn't find the power cord I panicked.

In the midst of the crazy I prayed a simple prayer,"Help!" Next, I went to my grandson and reminded him of what we had read that morning. I asked if he would join me in asking the God who reveals the deep and hidden things to show us where the power cord was. To be honest, I was a little nervous. Did I really believe that God cared about such a small matter?

Jack and I prayed together. Then we stood for a few minutes in silence and Jack said, "I think Uncle Dave took the cord." He went onto explain that the last time he'd seen the cord it had been on the same table as Uncle Dave's computer. He thought perhaps Uncle Dave had gathered up my cord when he left.

We found out later that day that Jack was right. We didn't get the cord in time to print off his homework. However, the emotional storm was abated when we experienced the truth that we really do have access to a merciful God who reveals mysteries.