Sometimes I find that in order to believe I have to first stop and confess my unbelief.
What exposes my unbelief? It is the depression that is caused by my inability to protect the people that I love. I come to God overwhelmed because of my inadequacy. I am face to face once more with the lie that I have believed, that I can be my own God and that I have the power to save myself or anyone else who is trapped by sin.
I have enough faith to pray, but at the same time my eyes are filled with the struggle before me. I am blinded by my unbelief and I stumbled and fall before the throne of Him to whom I bring my petition. If the answer to my prayers were dependent on my faith, I would be hopeless. I have come, but before I can voice my prayer I must first confess my disbelief.
My prayer is not pretty, it is not well crafted, it is poured out in tears and inarticulate groans. It isn’t because of my faith that my prayers are heard, it is because of the Lord’s faithful love. Even though at times my ears are deaf to the truth of His steadfast love, His ears are never deaf to my plea for mercy. I discover again what I have found to be true so many times before: His mercy never comes to an end. His faithfulness doesn’t depend on my ability to believe. His love is steadfast and unfailing.
When my storm of tears and pleas have quieted, I wait. My heart is still heavy, the situation has not changed, but in the silence I find rest for my soul. I know that I have been heard. Quieted by His love I am aware of His outstretched hand. He raises me to my feet and I stand. My faith has been restored and I remember that, though I cannot save the ones I love, He can.
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