Hallways

We took Steve to the emergency room unsure if they would keep him or send him home. Faith, Elisabeth and I had all gone with him. Because of COVID restrictions, only one person could be with him in the hospital.  I asked Faith to be that person while Elisabeth stayed with me in the car waiting. By 3 am I was exhausted and asked if Elisabeth would take me home. When I woke in the morning I looked for Steve but found a note instead, “Mom, Dad’s okay, but they wanted to admit him for observation.” I inhaled deeply, got dressed, and drove to the hospital.

The room was dimly lit by the light streaming in from the window. Faith filled me in on what had been happening during the night. She told me about the tests that had been done and those that had been scheduled. Then we traded places. She went home, and I took my place beside the hospital bed. Steve slept. He didn’t wake to eat or drink.

The neurologist came to check on him and then asked if I would come out into the hallway where we could talk. She paused for a moment and then said, “I want you to know that this is very serious.” She paused again and said, “This is very serious, but we don’t know what it is.” As I stood there trying to absorb the impact of her words, her phone rang. An expression of pain crossed her face and she said, “I’m so sorry. Someone has had a stroke in the ER and I have to go.” I was alone in the hallway with her ominous words echoing in my mind. 

Hallways are not a destination. When you are in a hallway you are in between where you’ve been and where you’re going. Standing in the hospital hallway alone with the words of the neurologist ringing in my ear, I began to realize that Steve's and my life together was entering into a transition.

Slowly I began to see the different doors in the passageway. Steve and I were about to enter a hallway that would take us in different directions. As my eyes began to sting with tears, in my heart I heard these comforting word, “Blessed are those whose strength is in you, whose hearts are set on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Weeping, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength, till each appears before God in Zion” (Psalm 84:5-7). For 48 years Steve and I have been on this pilgrimage together. It appears that for a time we will be separated, but just as hallways lead from one place to another, so do pilgrimages.