Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Unremarkable Yet Loved!

Andrew had come home to attend his sister's Abigail's wedding. Her rehearsal dinner was on Signal Mountain where I grew up. I took him to see my childhood home. I showed him where the school bus dropped me off, Mrs. Shoemaker's house where the tulips and jonquils grew, Mrs. Colt's house where I would entertain her with my stories while she ironed. "This is where I watched my neighbor banding birds, this is where the biggest dogwood in the world grew,' I told Andrew,' that's were I would climb to sit among it's branches and watch my world and think deep thoughts." It was fun to share the reflections of my childhood with my son.

Every Sunday I settle into my rocking chair on my fount porch and talk to Andrew on the phone, we share what is happening in each of our lives. This week Andrew asked, "Mom, why don't you write about some of the things you shared with me last time I was there?" Andrew is the one who encouraged me to write in the first place. I had shared with him my self doubts about why would anyone want to read what I write. I am very aware that I am a basic simple model and that there isn't anything really remarkable about my life.

However, reflecting on the fact that I am unremarkable makes me marvel all the more at the truth that I have known ever since I was a little girl living at 610 Georgia Ave. I am loved by the creator of Heaven and earth! How can this be? When I was just a little girl my grandmother taught me a short simple Bible verse that has shaped my life. "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16)

I realize that I haven't changed a great deal from the little girl who got dropped off by the bus and on her way home would stop to drink in the beauty of Mrs. Shoemaker's tulips and jonquils. I still like to entertain people with my stories. I still love the mystery of banding birds or birds in general. But I guess one thing has changed Dogwood trees just don't grow as big as they did when I was a little girl living at 610 Georgia Ave. and even if they did I don't think I could climb them like I did so long ago.

Heavenly Father, thank You that I don't have to sit among the branches of my Dogwood tree to think deep thoughts. Thank You for loving me so much that You gave Your Son so that I could have eternal life. As a simple, basic model I marvel that You would lavish Your love on me and call me Your child!!!

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Steadfast Love and Endless Mercy

"She weeps bitterly in the night, with tears on her cheeks; among all her lovers she has none to comfort her; all her friends have dealt treacherously with her, they have become her enemies." (Lamentations 1:2) We got the call in the middle of night, mine was the only number she could remember. When we picked her up she slid into the back seat of the car so vulnerable, so full of sorrow, so very alone. She had made some bad choices and as a result she had isolated herself from both friends and family.

"If she could only learn to love herself everything would be so much better for her." I understood what was being said but I disagreed, I don't think it's self love that is the key that sets any of us free. I believe freedom is found when we stop trying to make excuses and simply accept the guilt for what we have done or failed to do. I believe that when we sit alone in the silence that it is only then that we might begin to hear the truth, "The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases," (Lamentations 3:22) The key that sets us free is when we realize that the love of the LORD does not dependent on who we are but on who He is.

"His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."(Lamentations 3:23) There is a picture of this kind of mercy in the New Testament. It is in the story of when the scribes and Pharisees brought a woman to Jesus who had been caught in the act of committing adultery. They dumped her like a bag of garbage in front of Jesus and then formed a circle around her and Jesus hoping they could condemn both of them.

"The LORD is my portion,' says my soul,' therefore I will hope in him."(Lamentations 3:24) They held the stones in their hands ready to condemn her but Jesus didn't say a word He simply bent down and wrote with His finger on the ground. "And as they continued to ask him, he stood up and said to them, 'Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her.' And once more he bent down and wrote on the ground."(John 8:1-11) When Jesus stood up they were alone and He asked to the woman "Woman were are they? has no one condemned you?" She said, "NO one Lord." And Jesus said, "Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more."

Lord Jesus, You are steadfast love and endless mercy. You were despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief. Surely You have borne our grief and carried our sorrows. The woman caught in the act of adultery was not condemned because you were crushed for her iniquities and by Your stripes she was headed. Lord Jesus, please let me see the world through Your eyes. Let me always see myself as the one for whom You died.

Saturday, February 8, 2014

Tests

I had been waiting all day for the call but when my phone finally rang my nervous fingers were unable to find it in my purse. I picked it up just as it stopped ringing. I immediately called back and was told that the person I was calling was unavailable but they would call me back the following day. I had learned my lesson so the next day I kept the phone in my pocket so I could both easily find and answer it. The call finally came mid afternoon. Then the unthinkable happened, though I was holding the phone and I could see that the call was the one I had been waiting for I was unable to answer it! My touch phone refused to respond to my touch! Neither did it respond to my pleas as I cried,"OPEN, OPEN, OPEN!!!" I used a different phone and called back only to be told, "I'm sorry but you have been unresponsive to two calls and the person to whom you wish to speak is now unavailable." Is this some kind of a test?

What is the purpose of a test? My son Andrew gave up his Christmas break so he could study for an important test. For days he was tested on what he had learned over the course of years. It was not a pleasant experience nor was it pleasant for him to wait for the results. The waiting to see if he knew and understood the material he had spent so much time studying.  The test Andrew took tested what he had learned and I'm grateful to say he passed but there is a different kind of test that reveals who you are.

The Psalmist says, "Examine me, O LORD, and prove me; try my reins and my heart." (Psalm 26:2) How does this examination take place? I think it takes place when I encounter situations that reveal the fact that I am not in control, like when I am holding the phone in my hand yet am unable to answer the call I've been waiting for. If I am completely given over to panic what does that say about what I believe?

"The crucible is for silver and the furnace for gold, and the LORD tests hearts."(Proverbs 17:3) The purpose for both crucible and furnace is to remove the impurities from these precious metals. I think in a similar way God allows pressures both great and small to reveal impurities within my heart.

O Heavenly Father, I do want You to examine me and prove me and test my heart but I do not like the process! I want You to remove the impurities that I know are hidden deep within me. Let Your refining fires burn until until You see Your reflection when You look into my heart.


Thursday, February 6, 2014

Without Sail or Rudder

The older I get the more acutely aware I am that I am not in control. Recently I experienced vertigo. I was standing still but when I opened my eyes it looked like my world was spinning. It made me feel sick. I like to be in control, I don't want my world to spin without my permission.

When my world is spinning I feel like a small paper boat without sail or rudder tossing on the waves. This could be a terrifying experience, this feeling of not being in control, but it's not. It's not terrifying because early in my life I met the one who is in control. I found this promise in His Word, "You will keep in perfect peace the mind that is dependent on You, for it is trusting in You." (Isaiah 26:3)

I also found this invitation to, "Count it all joy, my brothers when you meet trails of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness." (James 1:2,3) Every time a wave washes over me exposing the truth that I am not in control I find that I am invited to experience a deeper truth. I am invited to know the One who speaks to both wind and wave and can calm any storm.

The sensation of being a small paper boat without sail or rudder tossing on the waves is not necessarily a pleasant one but it has forced me to put my faith in something other than myself. "The LORD is my portion, therefore I will put my hope in Him." (Lamentations 3:24) Hope is symbolized by an anchor. Hope is a confident expectation of good based on the promises of God. Hope silences the storm inside me even if the storm outside rages.

Heavenly Father, thank You for inviting me into this place of perfect peace. Thank You for inviting me to know You more intimately by showing me that though I am not in control, You are.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Sometimes in the Silence

My house feels strangely silent today. It's the kind of silence that comes after a house has held a celebration and it's walls have echoed with laughter. I stood watching my children drive away one by one and walked into the quiet only to find my children had left sweet memories behind in every room.

I went into my bedroom and picked up the letter my little girl had written for me. She gave me the letter Saturday just hours before she walked down the aisle and became Mrs. David Agostino. She had curled up in my lap the way she used to do not so long ago. I stroked Abigail's hair and I listened as she shared her heart. In the letter Abigail wrote me she had penned the words to a lullaby I used to sing to her.

"Mommy, will you sing me this song for me one more time?"  And so I did. "Where are you going my little one, little one? Where are you going my little one, my love? Turn around and your a baby, turn around and your grown. Turn around and your a young wife with babies of your own. Turn around, turn around, turn around and your a young wife with babies of your own." Sitting now alone in the silence I could hear again in my memory the sound of my little girl's voice as she pledged herself to be David's wife.

I think I have found in every room of the house slips of paper where Elisabeth, one of Abigail's sister, wrote lists and notes. Elisabeth came home three weeks early to help with wedding planning. Thinking now about all the work she did leading up to the wedding I'm not sure what we would have done without her. As I watched her help her little sister memories of Elisabeth's wedding came flooding into my mind.

I went into the garage to get something out of the freezer but then gave up, that is where Faith put all the flowers. I looked again at the beautiful bouquet Faith had made for her sister to carry down the aisle. In the quiet of the moment I looked more closely at all the flowers Faith had used. Then I closed my eyes and let my memory paint the picture once more of the bridesmaids flowers, the flowers at the wedding and at the reception all arranged for Abigail with love by her big sister.

While sorting through the pile of cards and gifts I found the prayer Andrew had written for David and Abigail.
O Lord,
     May your blessing rest upon this couple
     Let their home be filled with joy.
     Let them enjoy children and grandchildren.

May your blessings rest on all those gathered around
     Let their joy in You touch the hearts and lives of friends and family
     Let the fullness of your love spill into the lives of all they meet
     Let them share life together

Fill our hearts with grateful love
     When we see your reflection in this union
     When they see your reflection in each other
     When their family extends

For Christ's name sake, Amen

When Abigail had been curled up on my lap the morning of her wedding she had looked across the room and wept when she saw the picture of her grandparents on their wedding day. In the picture they are walking down the aisle gazing lovingly into one another's eyes. Today their love and their lives are just sweet memories. Thinking back to Andrew's prayer, Let them enjoy children and grandchildren, I wonder if someday in the future there will be another bride sitting on her mother's lap looking at a picture of her grandmother and her grandfather on their wedding day and see the love in Abigail and David's eyes. Sometimes in the silence I can hear the stories of love.