The Night I Wrestled with God

It began as academic curiosity. I was studying the story of Jacob wrestling all night with the angel of the LORD and I wanted to find out what the the angel meant when he said that Jacob had wrestle with God and prevailed. I looked up the Hebrew word for prevailed used in that verse and was amazed to discover the transliteration for the Hebrew word is sarah. In Hebrew sarah used as a noun is a princess but when it is used as a verb it means to prevail. Suddenly as I sat pondering my name in a new way this ceased to be an academic exercise and became very very personal.

The year was 1983 and the story of the abduction and murder of  six year old Adam Walsh was very much in the news. One night I was awakened by the screams of my own child. I watched in horror as a car drove away with my little girl in the back seat. I could see the car clearly I could see my daughters face and then suddenly I woke up. I was barely able to breath as I ran to my child's bedroom. There she was sleeping peacefully but there would be no sleep or peace for me that night!

That was the night I wrestled with God. I realized that if God had allowed this to happen to Adam Walsh that he might also allow this to happen to my child. I wanted to trust God with the life of my child but the truth was I didn't. I couldn't get the image of that car out of my mind. I couldn't stop pacing, I was totally terrified. There were two things that night that kept me painfully awake, God might allow something bad to happen to my child and as much I really wanted to trust God I really really didn't.

The only way I could find to handle my deep anxiety was to pace and pray. I wasn't very eloquent, my prayer was simply, "Oh God I don't trust you! I want to trust you but I don't! I don't know what to do! Help me!" This lasted most of the night. There was no sleep that night just a desperate plea for faith to believe that I could trust in the love of God.

I wondered if the night would ever end, I wondered if I would ever be able to rest again. The night sky was just beginning to give way to the light when relief came. I recognized the still small voice in answer to my prayer saying, "Can you trust me while your child is safely sleeping in her bed?" I went back to my little girls room and stood there watching her sleep peacefully. Listening to her deep rhythmical breathing I began to feel myself relax. "Yes Lord," was my response. "Sarah, I will give you the grace each day to face the trails I send you." I had wrestled all night with God and had encountered the Prince of Peace.

to be continued....