When Darkness Calls Grace Responds

"Hello darkness my old friend. I'm here to talk to you again." No! Darkness is not my friend, and, Simon and Garfunkel, get out out of my head with that song of yours. Every year it's the same; even though I am determined that seasonal affect disorder is fake, I find myself sucked into a vortex of despair.

Darkness is not my friend, it is my sparring partner. It's not like the noble art of fencing; no, it's more of a wrestling match. It involves clinch fighting, throws and take downs, joint-locks, with my opponent constantly finding and taking advantage of my weaknesses. Sometimes I just want to give up because I just don't want to fight anymore. I want to say, "I'm tired. You win. Close the curtains. Darkness, come on in." When I've used up all my hoarded resources, I have to find help outside myself.

Earlier this week I found myself bruised, with my joints out of their sockets from wrestling with depression. I felt like I was just about to be pinned to the mat. Because my enemy had been in such close proximity, he had been whispering gloom, despair and agony into my ears. When I cried out for help I heard the voice of kindness respond, "You don't have to fight this battle on your own. Lean on me."

I felt exhausted and exposed from my wrestling match, so I was grateful to find refuge in the truth that I was not alone. Leaning on a strength that was not my own, I began to find my heart bathed in light. As I filled my mind with the words of my Savior I found that His goodwill was sufficient for me. Because of my weakness I was able to experience His strength in a more perfect way.

As I drew near to this source of strength, I found that He had drawn nearer to me. Leaning towards this grace when I felt so in need of something other than myself, I experienced a spark of joy. There is a sense of rejoicing even in the suffering because, if I  didn't suffer with this depression every year, I would be able to be self-reliant. But I'm not. Instead, year after year I have had to patiently endure and lean towards grace. But something happens when you are in close proximity to the light. You are changed. So I choose to rejoice when year after year I face my weakness, because I don't face it alone. Because of my Savior, when I am weak I become strong--because He is with me.