Letting Go and Taking Hold

Gratitude opens my fist so that instead of clutching what was, I am free to take hold of what is.

Tomorrow I will go to Vanderbilt to receive twenty shots in my face. One of the after effects of my brain surgery was that the nerves in my face rewired. This causes my facial muscles to misfire. For instance, when I close my right eye the muscle in my chin contracts. This also means that if I am too expressive I will get a painful charlie horse. Before my surgery I made great use of facial expression but that is no longer true.

This is hard. I recognize that I have a choice. I can either be grateful for the doctors and procedures that help to lessen the effects of my rewired face, or I can grumble and complain. This is not an easy choice. Every time I open my mouth to speak I feel the misfiring muscles. This is not a one time choice, it is a process of letting go of what used to be and accepting what is.

Not long ago I was at a family gathering and someone told me how a group had been discussing my face. She wanted to encourage me by pointing out how much better I looked. I realized I could be grateful for the improvement in the way I looked, or simply hold on to the grief I still feel.

I look around me and see others who have gone through life-altering changes. On the outside they appear to be the same, but deep inside they feel as if their soul has been bruised. What they once took for granted is gone. Sometimes it feels like being a prisoner of the past.

Healing comes slowly. I don't choose to pretend there isn't loss and grief, but I do choose to recognize the blessings that surround me. There is something holy that takes place when I pursue gratitude. I am reminded that we get the word Eucharist from the Greek word eucharisteo, which means to give thanks.