A Battle to Believe

Even though it happened over thirty years ago the memory is still fresh.

I woke up as if someone had just dumped a bucket of ice water on my head. In my dream I had seen someone abducting my daughter. The nightmare was so real that I could see her face staring at me from the rear window of the car as it drove away. My heart pounded in my chest as I stood on the gravel road, helplessly watching my daughter being taken away from me. My eyes shot open and I ran to my little girl's room only to find her sleeping peacefully in her bed. It had been a dream, only a dream. However, it awoke a battle of doubt inside me.

I was now wide awake and facing my fears because I now had to confront the reality that, even though my child was sleeping safe in her bed, there were other children who were not safe. There were grieving parents whose children had been taken from them. I began to pace the floor tormented with these thoughts. "Lord!" I prayed, "I want to trust you, but I don't know how!"

I prayed and paced for most of the night. It was an honest battle with doubt. I now believe that true faith isn't an absence of fear or doubt, but instead it's when you humbly bring these struggles to the throne of grace. That night I prayed and cried until I received mercy. The core of my fear came from the ancient doubt presented by the flickering tongue of the serpent. "Is God really good? Can you really trust Him?"

That night I kept going into my daughter's room. Part of my pleading with God was this, "Lord, I trust you as long as I can see that my child is safe. But I know that faith is being sure of what you hope for and confident about what you don't see. I want to have this kind of faith, but tonight I don't!" My struggle wasn't only with my doubt but with my desire to have faith. Finally, I felt the peace of God and I heard His voice in answer to my cry, "Sarah, I will give you the grace to trust me tonight, and I will give the grace to face anything I allow to come into your life."

This happened over thirty years ago. I have found God's promise fulfilled over and over as He has met me with both mercy and grace to face many trails and heartaches. I am grateful that I do not have to pretend that I am strong when I am really weak, but instead I am invited to bring my weakness, my doubts and my fears before the throne of grace and there I find mercy and grace to help in my time of need. He is faithful. He is good. He is worthy of my trust.