They secured my head, lowered the metal cage over my face and slowly slid my body into the machine. I closed my eyes because being in a metal capsule can make me feel like I'm being smothered. The day before I had my MRI I had chosen what I wanted to think about. So as I closed my eyes I open my spirit to a cathedral of praise and I rested my soul in the care of my good shepherd.
The doctor explained the results of the MRI. He told me that my brain tumor had grown and that it was now time to look at either surgery or radiation. He explained the risks of both. He told me that either choice would result in my losing the hearing in my right ear. I asked if either would alleviate the my symptoms and he told me no that in fact I might end up with more symptoms than I have now. I listened and thought about my perishable body. However, even as I recognized the truth of my mortality. I comforted myself in the hope that one day this perishable body will put on imperishable and this mortal will put on immortality.
I experienced something very special yesterday. It happened while I was in the machine and even when they injected me with dye and put me back in the machine. It happened during my hearing test when I realized for the first time that my auditory nerve had been destroyed by the tumor and that my brain could no longer make since of what I was hearing in that ear. It happened when the doctor told me the tumor was growing rapidly and it was time to take action. I experienced God keeping an ancient promise.
"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." (Isaiah 26:3)
Being keep in perfect peace is the most wonderful place to be kept. Being enclosed in a capsule and having it transformed into a cathedral where you spirit rejoices is a holy experience. Learning of the finality of the loss of one of your major scenes and then finding yourself drawn deeper into the bright hope of eternity is transforming. Looking into a future that involves something that could cause anxiety and instead encountering a God who keeps you in perfect peace is a miracle!
I have learned to trust not because I've never known difficult times. I have learned to trust God because of the things in life that have broken my self reliance. If you put a new born baby in it's mother's arms it will become frantic trying to nurse because the child has not yet learned to trust his mother. However, when the child has known both hunger and the comfort of having that hunger satisfied the infant can rest. When the child is weaned he will return to his mother's lap as a place of comfort. Today, I resonate with the truth of Psalm 131:2 "But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with it's mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me."
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