A Shared Experience

I opened the door to the attic and made my way to the corner where the boxes that hold my diaries are. It took a while to find what I was looking for; finally I found it under the book "Empty Arms." Watching my daughter go through the experience of losing a child awakened memories.

Three days before Belle Marie's death April 13, 1987

I feel like I'm on a ship that is in a storm at sea where land, sun, moon and stars are hidden from view. I have such a since of lostness. Oh Heavenly Father, I am struggling now with my physical and mental health but with all my heart I want to be pleasing to you. Please help me receive the courage you are giving me and be a source of encouragement to those around me.

Still everything looks so confusing.  I don't know if I'm going to be able to carry this baby full term or not.  I want so badly to hold this little one in my arms. Physically I feel so weak and sick. Lord, help me to be open to receive from you the help I know you have for me. Please help me bring you glory to you in this storm I'm going through.

The storm at it's worst April 6, 1987

"I don't want to do this! " I cried out between contractions. Yet,  though I had tried to deny it,  though I had tried to remember the encouraging words the doctor had said the day before,  that the pain I felt was only because my baby was growing and putting extra pressure on my muscles...still in reality the fact was my baby was being born, born to soon. My baby's birth and death would happen on the same day.

On the drive to the hospital I was torn with not only the pain of each contraction but the memory of my other trips to the hospital while in labor. Before the pain had meant I would soon be holding a baby in my arms, now the pain meant I would never hold this baby in my arms.  I'm not sure which was worse the physical pain or the emotional pain.

At the hospital I could no longer deny that the contractions were forcing my baby out of the safety of my womb and into a world she would never know. I asked for pain medicine knowing that the day before my baby's heart had been strong. I hoped that the baby would receive the medicine too. Since she couldn't live outside my womb perhaps it would deaden her pain as well.

The labor was torment because between each contraction the reality of what was happening tore at my heart.  My body was violently forcing my baby out into a world in which she could not live and I could do nothing to stop the process. I could only feel the pain of what was happening.

"Oh Jesus, help me, help me! " I remember crying this prayer when the pain medicine had worn off and the contractions were strong and coming one right after the other.  There was no peace, there was no comfort there was only pain, intense pain. There was only one to whom I could call. I did not feel his presence; I could not remember any of his words but I knew he heard me.  I knew he would not desert me!

Suddenly, I was aware that my water had broken. I heard the familiar words that had always filled my heart with joy, "I see the head, the baby is coming. " I felt a physical release as my baby left my womb and was trust into the world.

"Please let me see my baby; I want to see my baby! " They put Belle Marie into my hands.  She was so small that though I could hold her in my hands I could not hold her in my arms. However,  as I sat there holding my little girl l had a picture in my mind of her cuddling in the arms of my Heavenly Father.  He was smiling at me as if to say. "Thank you Sarah,  I will take care of her until you see her again. "

Things then began to blur.  I was tired.  I was numb. Nothing seemed real. I just wanted to sleep.

We buried Belle Marie here on the farm.  Her father and grandfather dug the grave.  Before her little casket was covered over with dirt Steve prayed.  I don't remember all he said but I do remember this.  He said, " Heavenly Father,  we have heard it said that time heals  all wounds.  Though I don't believe that time heals all wounds I do believe that in time you heal all wounds. " I left the grave site wounded but hopeful that my Heavenly Father would in time heal the wounds that I felt.

                                                       ...

Tomorrow another little casket will be placed in the ground near where we buried Belle Marie. It is my granddaughter.  I have watched my daughter go through the same kind of grief I experienced so long ago. I have also seen her experience the same kind of comfort I received.