April 22, 1987
Oh Heavenly Father! I don't want to be angry. I know that it's a part of grieving but I don't want to go through it. Please help me to be angry but not to sin. Father, I confess that I have been angry with my mother. For some reason I don't understand I feel rejected and pushed away. Mother is so busy and leads such a hectic life but right now I just want her to come and take this hurt away but she's is so very busy.
Lord, I don't want to feel angry. Ive got so much else I'm trying to work through. And of all the people in the world, not Mother! I want to talk to her but I don't want to make her feel guilty. I don't know if I'm just being sensitive and expecting to much or if I really have been rejected. I am deeply confused! The one thing I know is that my mother does love me. Mothers would never do anything to hurt me, especially not now when I hurt so much anyway. Father, I am so grateful for the mother you gave me. I'd not trade her for anyone in the world. That is why I'm trying to understand what is going on. Please, please help me! I'm torn between wanting to talk to her and not wanting to hurt her feelings. I'm deeply confused. I don't want anything to come between us or ever hurt our relationship. Please help me! !
"Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. "(Isaiah 41:10) Father,now when I feel so weak let me not look to man, mother, husband or anyone else. Let me not look anxiously around me for someone to comfort and sustain me. You have promised to sustain me on you I can depend.
Mother came today and I confronted her with the feelings I was having. I felt ripped apart. I didn't want to hurt her or cause her to have any more sorrow than I knew she already felt but I knew that if I did nothing I would have bad feelings that might hurt our relationship.
When Mother and I were alone I told her my feelings had been hurt. As I looked into her eyes the only thing I saw was love and concern for me. I asked her to read what I had written that morning, At times her voice grew weak when she saw how I had interpreted some of her actions. When she finished reading it we were both silent and then she turned to me and said that she was sorry. However, she helped me understand that she had responded according to who she was. As she spoke I realized that one of the reasons for my anger had been that I had wanted to return to the time when I was a little girl and my mother's kiss could ease any pain and her explanation could sooth my childish mind. When her efforts to comfort me had not lived up to my expectations I was angry.
Mother and I wept together. After we finished talking I felt closer to her than ever. I felt my relationship with her had changed. Changed for the better. That day Mother and I related to each other woman to woman. After talking to Mother I could appreciate her better as a fellow human being. Mother has strengths and weaknesses and I still need her, I always will. She and I are part of the Body of Christ and as such we need each other.
I also realized I was wanting her to do what only God can do, touch me in the inner most part of my being. I came to realize this, however, before I ever talked to Mom. The Lord pointed that out to me Himself when I was looking to him for comfort and found it in these words. "Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. "(Isaiah 41:10) I was frantically looking to my mother, wanting her to take away my pain. Comfort came when I released Mother to be who she was with her strengts and weaknesses. Then I could turn all my hope for comfort to the true source of comfort. Then and only then true comfort could come.
April 23, 1987
Oh Father, I feel your presence with me so strongly. This experience has been so hard but you have been so wonderful. There are so many lessons to be learned when you are broken. Though my eyes have been tear filled still you have shown me such beautiful treasures of your love. You are with me, of this fact I am sure. I reached out frantically for human comfort and though I've been surrounded by those who love me and truly wanted to take away the hurt they were powerless to reach into my heart and scrap away the pain. Yet, all the time I heard your tender voice telling me, "I am here . I am here." Why was it that though I believed it, it has taken me so long to sink down into the comfort of that thought?
My human heart wants human comfort but ahh when I finally rested in you I found far better comfort. Yesterday, someone sent me a card that had the names of God on it. One of the names was Jealous. I forget sometimes that this too is one of your attributes. Because I know you are perfect I also know there is a good reason you want me to come to you instead of trying to run to someone else.
One of the Bible stories I have really identified with during this time has been the one about
the waters of Marah. The children of Israel were thirsty and for days they could find no water. When they finally did find water it was bitter and they couldn't drink it. When I was pregnant it was a very hard time for me because I was so sick. It was like being in the wilderness. But at the same time I was looking forward to holding my baby. But just like when the children of Israel got to the water and couldn't drink it because it was bitter, so to it was with my baby. When my baby came there was no satisfaction, my baby was dead.
Oh, I have tried not to be like the children of Israel. I have tried not to complain. I do believe Father, that just as you used this experience to test the Jews you have used my experience to test me. Not to make me fall but to make me strong. Not for me to see that you don't care, but so that I can know you do!
When the children of Israel complained you had Moses throw a tree into the waters. That made the waters drinkable. For me the sorrows was bearable because I knew I was not alone. Jesus had died on the cross, a tree, , so by accepting his sacrifice I could become a child of God. Again and again I have been reminded of Isaiah 43:1, 2 "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the waters, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you. "
The children of Israel got to go to Elim where there were 12 springs of water and seventy date palms after the bitter water experience. Last night I cried and asked you to take me to Elim too. This morning I feel your presence so strongly. I felt refreshed. Is this Elim or is this the results of your cross touching the bitter waters so that even in pain I can find refreshment from you? I don't know but I do know that I'm learning to lean on you.
June 28, 2015
I went into the attic to find this diary to comfort my daughter after the death of her baby. When I read it to het she said, "Mommy share it with others." And so I have.
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