Listening to the Song

The song came out all wrong. I must have scathed the record, the more I tried to fix it the worse it sounded. I kept gently lifting the needle and repositioning it but no matter how many times I tried the results were always the same. This was not music this was simply noise, irritating, teeth gritting noise!

I lay in bed drifting off to sleep my mind reviewing the events of the day. A record began to play in my head, “What is wrong with you? Do you always have to talk so much? How many times are you going to make the same mistakes? You are hopeless you are never going to get this right!” I turned on my right side, I turned on my left side the needle seemed to be stuck. The message was magnified by it's repetition. Finally I gave up, I couldn't fix this song it needed to be changed.

There seem to be some sins that I struggle with and no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to get it right. The more I focus on them the more I magnify them. Finally it dawns on me that I'm trying to be my own savior, again.

“The LORD you God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.” Zephaniah 3:17 The songs of deliverance do not come from my trying harder, they come from the LORD who is in my midst. When I tune my ear in the night to hear his love songs of salvation my heart is at last quieted by his love. He puts a new song in my heart.

Lord Jesus, help me to stop trying to fix my broken record. Help me to stop focusing on myself and listen to the song You are singing over me. Let my life's song be the one You sing to to me unbroken filled with love and gladness.

Learning to Trust

I saw her tears. I sat with my friend as she wept, she was so full of love for her children. She had adopted her children and loved them from the beginning yet the children suffered with an attachment disorder. This is not uncommon for children that have suffered early experiences of neglect and abuse. Children who suffered these things early in life have trouble learning to trust.

I saw her tears. My friend Laraine had suffered from both neglect and abuse in her childhood. She became a Christian as an adult and was adopted into the family of God but there was a problem she had an attachment disorder, she didn't know how to trust God because of the abuse of her childhood. She discussed this with me often with tears in her eyes.

When my friend Laraine died I found her journal. What I found there gave me hope for others who share this difficulty in trusting. In this journal I learned how God uses us in the lives of other.

December 6, 1990

I see that my fear of trusting God is rooted in my fear of trusting anyone because it might turn out to be a lie. I'm afraid to relax and enjoy my life, afraid to be happy, afraid to really live because it has hurt so bad to have believed the lies of the past and find out the truth. The truth has healing, but its so very painful and the more I see the more there is to deal with. I'm afraid I won't make it. I feel so alone so far from God. Who am I, who is Laraine, who am I? What can come of this quest for healing? Is healing really possible for someone questioning the power that heals? Oh God, I don't know what I believe and what I don't believe in my heart where it counts. I want to know how I can learn to really trust You!

June 28, 1991

Amazing things happened to me today. This afternoon Sarah and I sat in the swing talking and sharing and I shared, risking our friendship (in my mind.) I needed to have someone else, besides my therapist, that I could say these things to and not be rejected by them. Sarah listened, comforted and shared some things of her own. I cried and then we went on with our activity later she said there was something she wanted to do after everyone went to bed. After supper I asked her what it was she said, “In response to what you told me, I'm going to wash you feet.” I was flabbergasted, totally, and then so touched by her that I began to cry. It was an act of love I have never experienced before and I was totally humbled by the experience- there on her knees my dear sweet friend, washed my feet. It was an experience I will never forget. It reached in and crumbled a wall of distrust I never expected to end in this life. I went to bed in tears and awed by such an act. But God blessed it because I saw a person loving me, honoring me, caring as no one ever had. It softened my resistance and broke my heart toward God. I went to bed praying praising and thanking God.

I read these words over ten years after Laraine had written them. I had had no idea the impact washing her feet had on her, do any of us ever know the impact we have on another person? If God used something as simple as what I did to impact my friend just imagine what He will do with the love that the parents give their adopted children!

Father, thank You for using me in the life of my friend. Thank You for those who have opened their home and hearts to children through adoption. Father, You see their tears, both the tears of the children and those who love them. Please bless the efforts of these parents as they try to bring healing to the hearts of these wounded children. Help, Father, both parent and child to trust You.

In Spirit and in Truth

“ But the hour is coming, and is now here, when true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such people to worship him.” John 4: 23 What does that mean? What does it mean that, “the father is seeking those who will worship Him in spirit and truth?” And aren't we the one seeking God, what does it mean that the Father is seeking? Is there someone's life I can see these things in?

I have been comforted so many times when I think about Jesus' parables about the shepherd who went looking for his lost sheep and the woman who searched until she found her lost coin and finally the parable of the father who longed to have his relationship restored with his sons. This is a comfort to me that it is the father who does the seeking. I know the horrible feeling of being lost and not knowing where I am and I also know the peace of being found and finding myself safe. I think this must be what Jesus was talking about when He said “The Father is seeking.”

How do we worship in spirit and in truth? I think this comes from understanding the gospel. I see the truth of the gospel is that, “God sent forth his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons.” Galatians 4:4,5 According to Roman adoption the adoptee was taken out of his previous state and placed in a new relationship to his new father... All his old debt are canceled, and the adoptee started a new life as part of his new family.(Francis Lyall) That would be the truth of the adoption.

What part does the Spirit play? When I think about this I think about Jesus telling Mary, “ Don't you know I must be about my Father's business?””God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying “Abba! Father!” Galatians 4:6 Because we have been adopted into God's family we too must be about our Father's business but not in our own strength. Because of our adoption we have the same access to the throne room Jesus has. The work of the Father is to be done with the resources that the Father provides. When I worship the Father in Spirit and in truth I acknowledge I am His child called to do His work with his resources.

Yesterday I was listening to the radio and I heard Chris Fabry ask a question about what made Chuck Colson stand out. I remember meeting Chuck Colson when he came to town after writing his first book “Born Again.” He spoke about how God had found him in his brokenness and how he had been born again into the family of God. Over the years I watched as he went about his father's business. It was inspiring to watch as he not only received God's pardon and release from the debt of his sins but also lived his life in the power of the Spirit. What I saw in Chuck was a man who was worshiping the Father in Spirit and in truth.

Lord Jesus, Thank You for finding me. I want to worship you in Spirit and in truth. Thank You that I can come before your throne and call on you as “Abba.” confident that you hear me because I am Your child. And Lord when my life become a memory of those I love please let the memory be that I worshiped You well!

A Wedding Gift

They gave me the gift so quietly that it took me years before I realized I'd been given a gift at all. In fact I didn't understand what they had done for me until it was my turn to do it for some one else.

“Love is not jealous” 1 Corinthians 13:4 This was one of the wedding gifts my parents gave me. My parents encouraged me to become part of my husband's family. They taught me to call my husband's parents the same names that had uniquely applied to them, Mom and Dad. They gave me permission to love and be loved by another family.

If my parents had shown jealousy I would have been torn but they didn't. Instead they took a step back and allowed me to bond to my husband and his family. This was done so quietly and without any fan fare that it was only when it was my turn to love someone so much that I was willing to step back that I began to understand this sacrificial gift of love.

When love is not jealous it shows that the focus is more on the one being loved than the one loving. True love seeks what it best for the recipient. When it was my turn to love someone enough to step back so that someone else could step forward I discovered that it wasn't easy. When I was confronted by my selfish jealous heart I suddenly remembered my parents. They never spoke about their gift they simply gave it.

Lord Jesus, thank You for giving me parents who have taught me so much by example! Please let me live my life in a way that shows sacrificial love.

"If"

The words just seem to be highlighted on the page when I read them this morning. “If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and will heal their land.” 2 Chronicles 7:14 When I got up to go about the my day the words seemed to follow me asking me the question, “Have you humble yourself, are you bringing you concerns to God in prayer or trying to work things out on your own? Are you turning your face to God seeking Him or have you turned your face toward other things seeking comfort, approval, control and power elsewhere?”

The idea of humility is one I have been thinking of for sometime. I have seen in the Scriptures where, “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.” 1 Peter 5:5 I don't want to be someone who God is in opposition with. I see humility coupled with prayer. “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:6,7 So, when I am humble I don't try to work out everything on my own I really believe that God cares about me so I come to Him with all the cares that weigh down my spirit.

The next thing I see is God inviting me to seek His face. What does it mean to seek God's face? The illustration that comes to my mind is that of my nephew when he was nine months old. He was sitting across the room from his father. When his father smiled he smiled if his father frowned he cried. He was so bonded to his father and so intent on studying his fathers face that what he read there was the main influence on this young life. I want to know my Heavenly Father's face with that same passion.

The last directive I see in the, “If my people” passage is that they are to turn from their wicked ways. My friend and I were having a very honest discussion about this the other day. We were talking about the things in our life that we turn to other than God. Sometimes it's something that we turn to that brings us comfort and although we are willing to say it's a sin and we are wrong to do it we really don't want to give it up. Sometimes it's power or control we seek and even though we've made a public confession that it is wrong we still go back to it in an habitual way. In other words I find it very hard to give up the thought that I have the power to do whatever I want when I want and how I want. This is why I so desperately need to humble myself and pray and seek God's face.

Lord Jesus, I want to turn my face to you and not away from you. I cannot live the life I see you calling me to live in You word without Your help. I see the statement “If my people” and my heart's responses with, "Please grant me the grace to humble myself and pray, help me seek Your face and turn from my wicked ways." Oh yes, and thank You, because I've also read in Your word that "if" I ask anything according to Your word I would be given the thing I asked for.

The One Who Wants To Be Healed

I opened my eyes and looked at their faces it was obvious that they were stunned at the words that had just come out of my mouth but then so was I. I had been in the middle of a prayer when my heart was exposed. The prayer had gone something like this, “Lord help me with my sin, but I thank You that at least my sin isn't____.”

Even if I'd never said it out loud the fact that I thought my sin was less offensive to God than someone else' sin put me in good standing with the Pharisees of Jesus' time. The Pharisees saw themselves as being righteous before God because they kept the law. They missed the point. The law wasn't given to expose their holiness but the holiness of God. It wasn't given to show them how well they were but in stead to show them their need for a physician so that when the physician came they could be healed.

Jesus said, “Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. Go and learn what this means, 'I desire mercy, and not sacrifice.' For I came not to call the righteous, but sinners.” (Matthew 9:12,13) The problem with not fulling recognizing my lack of righteousness and how sick my sin really is is that I also miss how great the love of God is. Creating my own righteousness is like using artificial lights so that I can't see the true light of the stars.

Here is another odd thing about my sin comparison, the thing I found most irritating about “them” was that “they” didn't see that what “they” did was a sin. When God graciously shed a light on my sinful attitude I began to daily ask God for the gift of humility. I also began to ask that He would show me how offensive my sin was. What I found was that by humbly acknowledging my sin before a holy God I also encountered both the grace and the lavish love of God that I neither earned or deserved.

Lord Jesus, I get so confused sometimes tangled up in my sin and pride. Please help me today to come into Your holy presents aware that my only access is because of Your love and sacrifice for my sin. Help me to humbly extend my hand to other sinners who are in need of You, the Great Physician.

The Prayer Book

It was the last entry of her prayer book. It had taken her several years to complete this book and the last page showed the difficulty she had writing with her loss of vision. She had chosen Philippians chapter two as the theme of her last recorded prayer. “Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” These verses not only reflected how she chose to pray but how she lived her life as well.

Three months before she died my husband and I recognized that she and Papa needed help so we moved out of our home and into a spare bedroom in their house. I saw the need I wanted to meet it. I didn't want to be selfish but not wanting to be selfish didn't change the reality that I am a selfish person. Daily I turned to Philippians chapter two and prayed through it verse by verse. Day after day I asked God to allow me to have the same attitude that Christ Jesus did when he made himself nothing and took on the form of a servant. I believed that God could change my heart to match my actions.

We didn't find the prayer book until after Ma Belle had died. I couldn't help but marvel as I read page after page of how she struggled in the same way I did. “ All Scripture is God breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness.” 2 Timothy 3:16 Ma Belle's prayers were often based on the Scripture she was reading. Her prayers reflected how God's word was teaching her, rebuking her but also correcting her. I was encouraged to know I was not alone in my struggles to be the person God was calling me to be.

One of the difficulties Ma Belle prayed about was that she was going blind and losing her memory. She had always been a highly intelligent independent women. In the middle of her prayer book is a prayer of surrender, “Lord if you can use my weakness in the lives of those I love I am willing to be weak!” This was her prayer response to Philippians' admonition to count others more significant than yourself. How I marveled as I read this and recognized that God had called Ma Belle to use her weakness to serve me using the same verses He had used to call me to serve her!

Lord Jesus, thank you for your example of humility. Thank you for the encouragement that both Ma Belle and I found in you. Thank you for giving me examples like Ma Belle of those who shine like lights in a dark world. Help me to continue to obey you and work out my own salvation with fear and trembling, always remembering that it is you who works in me, both to will and work for your good pleasure.

Come And Magnify The Lord With Me

We found her prayer book. These were the prayers she had written twenty one years ago when she first began to loose her vision and recognized that she was beginning to have trouble with her memory. Ma Belle had come from a long line of “worriers.” Being anxious about the people she loved often plagued her. Opening the pages of her prayer book was like stepping into a conversation she was having with her Heavenly Father.

“Do not be anxious about anything , but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made to God” (Philippians 4:6). The pages began with her neat and concise handwriting. Her words exposed the fullness of her heart but the focus of her prayers was not the problem that was facing her or her family the focus of her prayer was the God to whom she brought her petition.

“I will praise the name of God with a song. I will magnify him with thanksgiving” (Psalm 69:30). Ma Belles prayers were like a telescope that searched the Heavens and found the throne of God. As she filled page after page with her prayers based on who He is and not on what she was experiencing at the moment I saw God magnified. Though she was bound by time she prayed to a God who was not hemmed in by time. Her earthly vision was fading but her prayers so full of praise and thanksgiving showed someone who had keen spiritual insight.

By the end of the prayer book the words were no longer touching the lines because she could no longer see them. She had filled the book with prayers for herself and those she loved. She had come before and an all-sufficient God and had humbled herself before him not with arrogance but with the heart of a child. She brought Him the only thing she had to give, her brokenness her worries and concerns for those she loved “The sacrifices acceptable to God is a broken spirit. A broken and a contrite heart, O God thou wilt not despise” (Psalm 51). Yes, she brought her brokenness before Him but she magnified Him with her praise and thanksgiving.

O Heavenly Father, thank you for helping me see you more clearly through the praise and thanksgiving I find in this prayerbook. Please let the legacy I leave to those I love be like the legacy Ma Belle left us. May I too live my life in humble dependance on an all-sufficient God. As I humbling come before you in my brokenness and dependance on your love and mercy may my prayers magnify you and not my anxieties.  

A Blessing For Those Gathered Around The Table

I have heard this prayer many times over the last thirty eight years but I had never heard it prayed in this way before. Like many people Papa had a prayer he would say before meals. “May Thy blessings rest upon this table and all who are gathered around it. Fill our hearts with grateful love. In Christ's name we pray. Amen.” Sometimes I have to admit that I was so familiar with the prayer that I participated more out of habit. That changed the week following Ma Belle's death.

All the family gathered together. They came to grieve together, to support Papa in his loss. Many friends brought meals and as we gathered around the table holding hands Papa would begin to pray. “May Thy blessings rest upon this table and all who are gathered around it.” Then he would pause, everyone there could feel his love and gratitude for their presence. Yet we were also aware that someone was missing. Some lessons are taught in a classroom and some are taught holding hands around a table and joining in a prayer of gratitude. While grieving his loss he chose to recognize the gift that surrounded him.

Sometimes during this week Papa's voice broke and he would ask someone else to pray. The words would be different but the presents of the one who heard the prayer could be sensed. When Papa was able to pray he said each word tenderly and with great emotion. I not only heard the words I felt them, “Fill our hearts with grateful love.” When your heart is full of sorrow it can be hard to find room for grateful love. Papa brought no only his heart but of ours as well and we experienced the miracle of answered prayer together.

We didn't know then that that was to be the last week of Papa's life. It was a beautiful week full of love, memories and tenderness. Each of us were not only blessed by the fellowship we had around the table we were blessed because Papa had requested it. “May Thy blessings rest upon this table and all who are gathered around it. Fill our hearts with grateful love. In Christ's name we pray. Amen”

Lord Jesus, thank you for your many blessings. Thank you that there is a table that extends into the Heavens. Thank you for the sweet communion we have experienced as a family and for the communion that we look forward too. Surely your blessings will rest upon that table and all who will be reunited around it. My heart is filled with grateful love as I wait in anticipation.

My Payer To A God Who Is Near

I was awaken by the chiming of the clock in the Den. Could it be it was only a week ago that I had been awaken at that very same hour by Papa complaining of chest pains? When the paramedics came they did an EKG that did not show a problem, his blood pressure was good, his oxygen level was normal and yet Papa died when he got the hospital latter that morning. Are all things left to chance or is there a God who is in control?

I find the same comfort in thinking about the many days of Papa's life that I found when pondering the few days of my baby Belle Marie's life. Those days were not a random number chosen by chance, by an uncaring God. “Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them.” Psalm 139

When I read this Psalm I am reminded that the Lord I serve has an intimate concern for me.”O LORD, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.” The fabric of my life has been ripped by the loss of two people I love within the span of a week. There is a feeling of not only loss but vulnerability yet I take the comfort that it offered to me in the Psalm. Though I don't know the path that lies before me the LORD does.

“If I say, 'Surely the darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,'even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you.” One of the things I am discovering about grief is that it makes it hard to think clearly. How comforting to know that I serve a God who is not only intimate with all my ways but that there is no darkness with Him. It is not only that there is not darkness with Him but He shares His light with me. “How precious are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!”

Lord, I am comforted in knowing that You are not a God who is far off. You are not an indifferent God but one who has hemmed me in, behind and before, You have laid Your hand upon me. “Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

The Meditations Of A Sojourner

There were two things that woke me last night one was the grief of having lost two people I loved in a week and the other was the pinched nerve in my neck. Both the physical and emotion pain made sleep seem impossible. I came into the living room to sit, think and pray. At the heart of my prayer was this verse, “I am a sojourner on the earth; hide not your commandments from me!” Psalm 119:19

I realized that in many ways I want and even expect life to be easy. But that is not what Jesus taught when He invited me to be part of His Kingdom. In fact he never said that I would have peace in this world. He said, “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

As I sat and prayed and meditated on the truths of scripture I was reminded of something my friend told me about the painting by Rembrandt called Christ in the Storm. The picture depicted what I felt. A small fishing boat caught in a life threatening storm. She told me to look at the picture and identify which figure represented me. I saw the disciples straining to keep the boat afloat. I saw some trying with fear filled faces trying to wake the sleeping Savior. Then there was the one who seemed to be simply sitting passively in the storm tossed boat. With my pinched nerve and grief stricken heart it was the picture as a whole I identified with.

Another verse came to mind as meditated on my truth that I am a sojourner on this earth and that I have been promised tribulation in this world and not peace. The words that came were the words of Jesus, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” John 14:27

Lord Jesus, I confess I seek comfort in this world and am surprised that instead I find tribulation, just as You said I would. Thank You for the storms that teach me the truth that I belong to Your Kingdom and in You I will always find peace.

A Birthday With Heaven In View

In the home of Samuel and Zenna Jones, May 4, 1921 was a day of great celebration. It was the day they welcome John William Jones into their family. As they held their first born child their hearts were filled with hopes and dreams about the man he would one day be .Today, 91 years latter, it is May 4, 2012. Today we will gather for his memorial service. Those of us who knew and loved him will celebrate the man we knew him to be.

Ecclesiastes 7 says,”A good name is better than precious ointment.” When Samuel and Zenna chose the name John William for their son, that name held the dreams of who they hoped he would one day become. As gather we together 91 years later, we recognize that he gave his name the sweet fragrance we gather to enjoy. John William was a man of character, with a godly mind and life. The fragrance of his reputation was not only with men but with the God he served.

“And the day of death is better than the day of birth.” This seems like an odd verse. Papa and I talked about many things the day before he died. We talked about his age, the chief end of man, and Heaven. When we spoke of his age it was in the context of Psalm 90, “The length of our days is seventy years-or eighty, if we have the strength; yet their span is but trouble and sorrow, for they quickly pass, and we fly away.” When he was a very young child, Papa's mother had taught him to memorize the catechism. He never forgot, deeply routed in his soul and life was the truth that the main purpose of a man’s life was to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. It was the driving force of his life. The day of his death marked an end to the trouble and sorrow of life when God called him home.

“It is better to go to the house of mourning than to go to the house of feasting, for this is the end of all mankind, and the living will lay it to heart.” It is so easy to get caught up in the moment and loose the perspective of eternity. However, when I go to the house of mourning as I will today, it gives me a chance to think, to ponder, and consider the question, “When every thing has been said and done will my life be one that has brought God glory. Will I have made to choice to enjoy God forever?”

Lord, Your word says that the heart of the wise is in the house of mourning. As I prepare once more to go the house of morning, give me understanding grant me wisdom. Help me to remember that even 91 years when it is past, is but a breath of time. Please help me to live each day of my life with eternity in view. Today on Papa's 91st birthday Heaven is no longer a vision it is a view.

Please Turn The Light On

For the last three months, ever since my husband and I moved in to take care of his aging parents, I have had Philippians 2 on my mind. It is a chapter about following Christ's example of humility. “Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.” I always think in pictures and the picture is see of humility is this. I cut two pieces of pie. One piece is slightly bigger than the other. If I serve you the larger piece without calling attention to my sacrifice that is humility. “O Lord, You know that I would much rather pretend the pieces were cut identical so that I could have the larger piece! Please grant me Your Spirit so that I can count others more significant than myself.”

“Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” I have gotten up early and have been enjoy solitude when I hear footsteps approaching. I am confronted with a choice shall I choose to pretend I don't notice that someone else is awake and would like my company or do I continue to enjoy my solitude? “Dear Lord, help me to practice what You're teaching me! Help me not only to look to my own interests but to the interests of others.”

“Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus,who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant...” If I take on the form of a servant that means I will be willing to do the menial job without calling attention to myself. I will be looking for ways I can meet the needs of others instead of how they can serve me. “O Lord, I don't want to that! I'm tired I want someone to be meeting my needs. The contrast of what comes natural to me and what you ask of me is glaring.”

“Do all things without grumbling or questioning...” I’ve heard that “grumbling and questioning” come from an attitude of rebellion against what the Sovereign Lord has chosen for you to do. I am guilty. I don't want to grumble and complain and question the reasonableness of what He has for me to do but if I said, “I've never grumbled,” I'd be lying and my children would tell on me. “O Lord, let me focus more on You than the task set before me!”

I have read through this chapter repeatedly for three month and for three months I have found in my own strength I cannot do this. However in this second chapter of Philippians I read “It is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.” “Dear Lord, please, please grant that I might be,'blameless and innocent, a child of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, please let me shine as a light in the world, holding fast to the word of life.' Amen.”

The Promise Of The Ressurection

It was the day before he died, I walked into the house and found him bent down with sorrow. “Papa, would you like to walk with me and then share another Sun set?” He lifted his head and offered me his gentle smile and said,”Yes.”

We walked slowly stopping often and then took our seats facing West facing the setting of the Sun. “Sarah, what do you think Isabelle is doing now?” A few years ago I had taught a study on what the Bible tells us about Heaven, earlier that week his beloved wife of sixty four years had died. I looked into his dear face and my heart was touched by his great grief. Ours hearts were heavy but we comforted ourselves with the promises of God.

I did not know then what I know now. That would be the last evening I would ever share with him this side of eternity. We talked about the promise that, “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4 We shared our grief, we shared our hope, we shared the comfort of the word of God. We sat and talked about the love of God and while we watched the Sun set behind the mountain we also watched as two butterfly flitted about and our hearts were gladdened by the beauty of God's gift of nature.

The next morning he died and that evening I sat alone and watched the Sun set. Yet I wasn't alone the two butterfly that had blessed Papa and I the night before returned. I watched them again and my heart was gladdened but this time it was not only their beauty that comforted me but the reality they were a picture of the resurrection. I heard once that the Christian view of death is like a group of mourning caterpillars carrying a cocoon like a casket. Above there is a beautiful butterfly staring down in disbelief. The butterfly reminded me that there is the promise of new life even in the midst of my grief.

Both Papa and Ma Belle had requested that the their memorial service focus on the gift of salvation. They wanted the good news of eternal life to be told as we gathered to grieve their death. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16 On the last night of Papa's life he told me, “I love this month, I love this season of Spring because it reminds me of new birth.” How fitting that God should choose to take both Papa and Ma Belle into His eternal presents during this time of new birth.

Broken By Love

I thought it would be a good idea that it would make me a better person and so I began. I began by memorizing 1 Corinthians 13 first in the King James version, “Love suffers long, and is kind.” I tried it in another version,” Love is patient, love is kind.” I tried it in still another version, “Love is always patient, love is always kind.” But it didn't make me a better person it just pointed out again and again that I wasn't really loving.

“Love is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not insist on its own way, is not provoked, does not keep a record of wrongs,” I memorized, I meditated, I became convicted that what I thought was love wasn't. As I looked at this picture of perfect love it became a mirror into with I could look and see God more clearly as well as myself. I was jealous, I found many creative ways to brag. I knew how often I insisted my own way in my relationship to my husband. But what really broke me was that love is not provoked and does not keep a record of wrongs. “Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth” conviction.

Then came the crescendo of impossibilities. “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things.”What breaks you and brings you to your knees? For me it was memorizing, and meditating on 1 Corinthians 13. I wanted to use it to make me a better person God used it to show me that I wasn't even good in the first place. The crescendo built until at last I heard the truth, “Love never fails.”

Broken shattered fragments of who I thought I was lay all about me. But then I remembered something else, “For this is what the high and lofty One says—he who lives forever, whose name is holy: “I live in the high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the contrite.” Isaiah 57:15 Then I knew the truth this love was the love God ha for me.

Lord Jesus, thank You for showing me what the love of God looks like, “This is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.” 1 John 4:10