Learning to Trust

I saw her tears. I sat with my friend as she wept, she was so full of love for her children. She had adopted her children and loved them from the beginning yet the children suffered with an attachment disorder. This is not uncommon for children that have suffered early experiences of neglect and abuse. Children who suffered these things early in life have trouble learning to trust.

I saw her tears. My friend Laraine had suffered from both neglect and abuse in her childhood. She became a Christian as an adult and was adopted into the family of God but there was a problem she had an attachment disorder, she didn't know how to trust God because of the abuse of her childhood. She discussed this with me often with tears in her eyes.

When my friend Laraine died I found her journal. What I found there gave me hope for others who share this difficulty in trusting. In this journal I learned how God uses us in the lives of other.

December 6, 1990

I see that my fear of trusting God is rooted in my fear of trusting anyone because it might turn out to be a lie. I'm afraid to relax and enjoy my life, afraid to be happy, afraid to really live because it has hurt so bad to have believed the lies of the past and find out the truth. The truth has healing, but its so very painful and the more I see the more there is to deal with. I'm afraid I won't make it. I feel so alone so far from God. Who am I, who is Laraine, who am I? What can come of this quest for healing? Is healing really possible for someone questioning the power that heals? Oh God, I don't know what I believe and what I don't believe in my heart where it counts. I want to know how I can learn to really trust You!

June 28, 1991

Amazing things happened to me today. This afternoon Sarah and I sat in the swing talking and sharing and I shared, risking our friendship (in my mind.) I needed to have someone else, besides my therapist, that I could say these things to and not be rejected by them. Sarah listened, comforted and shared some things of her own. I cried and then we went on with our activity later she said there was something she wanted to do after everyone went to bed. After supper I asked her what it was she said, “In response to what you told me, I'm going to wash you feet.” I was flabbergasted, totally, and then so touched by her that I began to cry. It was an act of love I have never experienced before and I was totally humbled by the experience- there on her knees my dear sweet friend, washed my feet. It was an experience I will never forget. It reached in and crumbled a wall of distrust I never expected to end in this life. I went to bed in tears and awed by such an act. But God blessed it because I saw a person loving me, honoring me, caring as no one ever had. It softened my resistance and broke my heart toward God. I went to bed praying praising and thanking God.

I read these words over ten years after Laraine had written them. I had had no idea the impact washing her feet had on her, do any of us ever know the impact we have on another person? If God used something as simple as what I did to impact my friend just imagine what He will do with the love that the parents give their adopted children!

Father, thank You for using me in the life of my friend. Thank You for those who have opened their home and hearts to children through adoption. Father, You see their tears, both the tears of the children and those who love them. Please bless the efforts of these parents as they try to bring healing to the hearts of these wounded children. Help, Father, both parent and child to trust You.