Because I'm Not Always "Fine"

This was something I had to be taught, I didn't understand, it wasn't automatic for me. When I was younger and people asked, “How are you?” I thought they really wanted to know so I would tell them. Finally someone sat me down and explained that I was supposed to say, “Fine”, regardless of how I really felt. I learned my lesson well perhaps to well.

It isn't that I am trying to be fake as much as I'm trying to be safe. Now when I hear ,“How are you?”, in my heart I ask myself a question, “Are you a safe person to tell? Do you really care?” When I met my husband almost forty years ago I felt secure in his love. Because I felt secure and safe he came to know not only the public me but the private me. The public me is the one I present to people who ask, “How are you?” but don't really want to know. The private me is the one that needs a safe secure place to be exposed because that me isn't always “fine”.

I bring this understanding of how I relate to people with me when I read the story of Martha talking to Jesus. I think it was because she saw Jesus as her friend and someone with whom she was safe that she could reveal her honest frustration with him. “Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to serve alone ? Tell her to help me.” Luke 10:38-42 Sometimes my prayers are like that too. I'm not always “fine” sometimes my prayers reflect the messy me, the confused me, the frustrated me. I can't always get it sorted out before I come to the Lord in prayer. Sometimes I hear him say to me, “Sarah, Sarah, you are anxious and troubled about so many things. You have forgotten the one thing that is necessary.”I need him to tell me again what that is.

When I gave birth to my first child I did it in a stoic fashion. I focused on breathing techniques so that I would not cry out in pain. However, after the birth I saw my Father's face and the dam burst and the tears flowed freely. Why? Although I was a grown woman and a mother I was still my Father's little girl and I felt safe to release the tears. I feel this same freedom when I pray. There have been seasons in my life when I couldn't find proper words to express the depth of emotion I felt so I simply wept before my Heavenly Father. These are intimate prayers prayed in the presence of a God I call Abba.

Oh Heavenly Father, thank You that I don't have to pretend to be “fine” before I come into Your presence. Thank You, that I can come just as I am. Thank You, that I don't have to wait until I can get everything right instead I can come to You confused, frustrated, and even at times afraid. Thank You, that I can find in Your presence a safe place to reveal who I really am. But O Lord, thank You, for not leaving me just as I am but instead reminding me what really is necessary and for breathing peace into my sometimes troubled soul.