I was good but not good enough

I just wanted to be good. Even as a little girl I wanted to obey my parents. I craved their approval and to have them smile on me. Can anything be wrong with that?

My grandmother gave me stickers for memorizing Bible verses. She began with, "All  have sinned and come short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23 Next came, "All we like sheep have gone astray we have turned everyone to his own way." Isiah 53:6 Then, "There is none righteous no not one." Romans 3:10 I wanted to be good, I wanted to please my grandmother, I wanted those stickers. I memorized the verses got my stickers and saw the stickers as proof that I truly was a good girl a very good girl. However, I totally missed the point.

I will never forget the day I stood before my grandmother ready to yet again be awarded with another sticker for memorizing John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believed in Him might not perish but have everlasting life." I said it word for word I was ready for my reward. But this time Grandmother didn't give me a sticker she began to ask me questions. Her questions revealed what I really believed.

What did I really believe? I believed I was not only good but I was good enough for God. Grandmother reviewed all the Scriptures she had had me memorize. When we talked about what they meant it became clear that although I memorized them I didn't believe them. Although I thought they were true for others they were not true for me. Not only was I good, good enough for God, I was also better than anyone else. And so the Pharisaical heart of a little girl was revealed.

Grandmother kept going back to John 3:16. She asked me again and again, "How do we get eternal life?" I reluctantly bowed my knee before the Lord. I remember walking home and thinking, "I'm just a little girl surly if given enough time I could be good enough." Yet, God's word that I had memorized was at work in my heart.

I am no longer a little girl. If you ask my grandchildren they would tell you I am ancient. Over the years and through meditating on God's word I have learned the truth of who I am. I now realize that there is no sin I am not capable of commiting. Even the goodness I was so proud of as a child was a mantle of pride. Yet I am loved by God and all my sins were atoned for by the blood of Christ. This truth brings me to my knees and fills me with an overwhelming since of gratitude.

Lord Jesus, when I read the gospels I see myself as one of the Pharisees who stood in opposition to you because you pointed out their need for something greater than themselves. Thank you for not leaving me were you found me. Thank you for lovingly showing me who I was so that I could see who you are.