I Can't Protect Them

Suddenly I was awake! What I had seen was so clear that even now almost thirty years later I can recall every detail. I saw a car with my daughter looking out at me from the rear window driving away from me. With my mind washed with adrenaline I stumbled as quickly as I could in the dark to her bedroom where she lay sleeping peacefully. She was asleep but I was wide awake.

The dream represented the truth that I was not sovereign in my child's life. I could not protect her from all evil. I also realized that God does allow painful things into the lives of those who belong to him. It wasn't only the reality of my inability to protect my child that kept me awake most of the night, it was my inability to trust God.

That night I paced the floor for hours praying. My mind was reviewing the horrors children and their parents endured. Children are kidnapped, abused, and suffer with terminal illness. I believe in a Sovereign God how could I reconcile this in my mind? What if the child who suffered these things was my child? My prayer was basic,"Lord, I want to trust you. Show me how!"

The truth was that in my own strength I was unable to trust God. As I wrestled with my lack of faith I realized that faith is a gift of God. I asked God for the grace to trust him with the possible harm that could come to my child. What I heard in response was,"I will give you the grace you need for the trials you will face today. I will give you the grace to trust me for the future."

I was finally able to sleep when I began to turn my focus away from the "what ifs" and look at who God is. The anxiety I was experiencing was about things over which I had no control. In prayer I was able to bring it all into the presence of a loving God. The assurance I received was that not only was there grace for today but for every tomorrow I would face.

My children are all grown and have left my home. I have experienced the grace of trusting God on their behalf many times. I have learned that God doesn't give grace for the "what ifs" for that he gives me faith.  Being a mother has taught me time and time again that only God is sovereign and he is worthy of my faith. I have also learned I can trust God to give me the grace I need for each day.

Lord Jesus, thank you that your mercy is new every morning great is your faithfulness. Please help me rest in your love for both myself and my family. Thank you that when I am blindsided by anxiety I can bring it to you in prayer and find the grace that leads to peace.