There was nothing I could do

I was sick. I was expecting my fourth child and was so nauseated I could not function. My thirteen year old had been through the death of her best friend's father. Now she was sure I was dying as well. She responded with fear, anger and withdrawing from me. My eight year old went about seemingly not noticing my absences in his world. My three year old was constantly jumping up and down on the bed desperate for Mommy to get up and do something. The bouncing did cause me to get up but not like she wanted. My husband had not only all of his responsibilities to take care of by mine as well.

I wanted desperately to participate in my family's life but every time I tried I got sick and had to retreat to my bed. It wasn't only being a wife and mother I was failing at I seemed to be failing at life in general. I had even been told by the doctors that there was a strong possibility that the baby I was carrying would die at birth or have major birth defects.

This was a time when I wanted to find comfort in praying and reading God's word only there was a problem. Praying and reading made me sick too! I lay on my back  in bed hot tears collecting in my ears.    I wanted God's comfort so badly but I felt to sick to reach out for it. That's when it happened.

Suddenly, in my mind I could see Jesus on the cross the message to me was so clear. "For God so loved the world ,that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life."John 3:16  This was not a new idea . I had known it and even believed it. However, it was not until I was fully incapable of doing anything that I experienced the meaning of this verse on a deeper level. Finally I understood it was not about what I did for God it was what He did for me.  I also experienced a peace that passes understanding.

There was nothing I could do but receive the love Jesus freely gave me. That day I began to understand grace.