I want to love

I guess my lifelong battle with overeating has governed my understanding of what it means to "deny myself". However, the more I think about the context of that verse the more I realize it has a much deeper meaning particularly if I put it together with Jesus' "New commandment".

"Then Jesus said to his disciples, 'If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." Matthew 16:24 "A new commandment I give you; that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." John 13:34

The thing that made the commandment new wasn't that He said to love others but to love them in the same way He had loved. That kind of love involves self denial and a cross. Following Jesus' kind of love means making myself nothing taking the very nature of a servant and humbling myself to the point of death for another person. Not just physical death but the death of my plans, dreams and goals.

The reason I have trouble with over eating is that I don't want to deny myself. I see the evidence of this when I look in the mirror. My family is another mirror, in it I see how often I selfishly put my agenda before anyone else.

Jesus said if I follow His new commandment people would know I was His disciple. I understand that because there is no other way I could love like that unless I did it in the power of His Spirit. If I walk in His Spirit the fruit will be," love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness" and last but not least "self-control"Galatians 5:22,23

"Dear Lord Jesus, I want to follow you. I want to represent You well. I want to love."

The first step to being forgiven

"Mimi you've got to talk to her about stealing!" I looked at my little five year old granddaughter with her head bent as low as her neck would allow. I took her by the hand and led her into the bedroom.

We sat on the bed together she at one end and I at the other. "Did I ever tell you about when I stole money from my father?" Her head lifted slightly and she whispered,"No".

"I was about your age when it happened. My daddy always emptied his change from his pockets to his dresser. I would sneak upstairs to his room and take a handful of change. I always left some hoping he wouldn't notice. One day as I was going down the stairs I met my father coming up. 'Sarah, what is behind your back', my father asked. 'Nothing', I said. But my father knew better he had caught me stealing and lying."

My granddaughter's head lift a little bit more. "Mimi, what did he do to you?" She fully understood my horror at being caught.

"My father, took me downstairs and then he gathered the family together and made me tell them what I had done. I didn't want anyone to know what I'd done and when everyone gathered all I did was cry. I wanted to run away but I couldn't. Finally, I whispered what I had done. My father held me and asked if I understood stealing and lying was wrong. "Yes", I said through my tears. Then he held me and told me he forgave me but that I was not to do it again.

My granddaughter moved a little closer and I put my arms around her. "Did you know that the Bible tells us that if we confess our sins God will forgive us and take away all our guilt?" "Confess means we agree with God that we have done something wrong." "Did you steal something?" Silence....

"You know I'm not a little girl anymore now I'm a grandmother but it is still hard for me tell someone I've done something wrong. I have to ask Jesus to help me but I know that admitting I did something wrong is the first step to being forgiven." " Did you steal something?"A very soft "yes" followed.

"Come with me and lets talk to your mommy." My granddaughter followed me and stood looking so small before her mother. "What do you need to tell your mommy?" Silence....Waiting....Silence...Waiting

"Mommy, I stole your jellybeans and I lied to you." Her mother bent down and wrapped her in her arms and said, "Do you know stealing and lying are wrong?""Yes, Mommy", she whispered. The next thing I knew she was wrapped in her mothers embrace."I forgive you."

"Heavenly Father, I don't know why it is so hard for me to admit when I've been wrong. To honestly confess my sin instead of hiding it and holding onto it. I think perhaps it's because part of me doesn't want to give it up. Please help me take the first step to being forgiven and admit, confess my sin."

Sandpaper on my soul

"And just look at this view! One thing you can be sure of you will always have this view."  I loved the view out of my picture window. I choose that spot to have my quiet time in the morning. I would wake at dawn wrapped in a blanket and begin reading my Bible and talking to God.

BANG! BANG! BANG! Something terrible was happening. My neighbor bought the small triangle of land behind our house. The piece of land we had been assured that was to small to build on and he was building on it! Suddenly my view was completely blocked. The only thing I could see was my neighbor.

I was so angry I couldn't read my Bible, I couldn't focus to pray. He would be working on building his shop at dawn. Since he didn't go to church he would be out there banging all Sunday. "Hope you don't mind that I've taken you view", he said one day. "No!', I lied ,'you bought the land it's yours".

I kept trying to have my quiet time with God but it wasn't quiet. It wasn't just the lack of external quiet that bothered me I didn't have any internal quiet either. I began to pray to find relief. However, the message I heard from God did not bring comfort, it brought conviction.

"Sarah, what is more important to you, your view or your neighbor's soul." There was no question about it my view and my comfort were much more important to me that the salvation of my neighbor. In admitting this I also saw that my comfort was an idol I worshiped.

So now what was I supposed to do? I no longer had my view and my sin had been exposed? I confessed my sin and asked God for mercy because I knew I couldn't change on my own. I also knew He didn't want me just to pretend to care now that my lack of love was exposed.

I wish I could say that suddenly I no longer cared that my view was gone but it still irritated me. As I prayed about it God spoke to me. "Sarah, I have given you a visual reminder to pray for your neighbor and yourself." So my irritation became a call to prayer.

 It was like sandpaper on my soul. I continually prayed that God would change both me and my neighbor and He did.

Paradigm Shift

I am one of nine children. I have two older brothers and six younger siblings what that means is that I had a lot of practice in sharing. We were all born within ten years and like all children we wanted attention. My Grandmother worked at making us feel special.  She had one 8X10 picture frame on her bureau and she would rotate our pictures in that frame.

The year I turned eleven I spent the Winter with my Grandmother. It was a little bit like Heaven getting to be the only child in her house. I had shared her with my sibling all my life but that year my cousins were coming from Brazil. Sharing my Grandmother with my siblings was one thing sharing her with a whole other family was a lot harder.

Grandmother had never gotten to meet those grandchildren and as the time got closer she became more and more excited. It was all she could think about ,it was all she could talk about, it was the only thing she could focus on. I became very jealous.

I began to pray and ask Jesus to help me with my jealousy. The way He answered my pray not only had a powerful impact on my childhood it affected my whole life as well. While struggling with my jealousy I felt miserable and tormented. After I prayed I realized I had a choice to love or hate. I asked Jesus to help me love.

My prayer was that I would see my cousins with my Grandmother's eyes. I wanted them to be as special to me as they were to her. When God answered this prayer He gave me a wonderful gift. First, He showed me that He really did answer prayer that He could change my heart. Then He allowed me to have a wonderful relationship with my cousins.

I looked up a definition of Paradigm Shift and it said,"a change from one way of thinking to another. It's a revolution, a transformation, a sort of metamorphism. It just does not happen but rather is driven by agents of change." This seemed to be similar to what I had experienced through prayer.

I don't get to see them very often but I treasure them very much. This was the first Paradigm Shift of many I have experienced through prayer.

Ah, Sovereign Lord!

I come from a long line of women who know how to sigh. I remember the long sighs of my grandmother and my mother the older I get the more I understand there purpose. Sometimes the pressures of life feel unbearable that's when I take a deep breath an exhale slowly.

I think the prophet Jeremiah knew how to sigh. I read several times a prayer in the book of Jeremiah that begins with a sigh. I can  just imagine the prophet taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly saying , "AHhhhh". But the sigh becomes a prayer when you add the words,"Sovereign Lord"

God had given Jeremiah a hard job the message he had to deliver was one of inescapable judgement. His ministry was hard his message wasn't one anyone wanted to hear but he didn't murmur and complain. He recognized his humanity but he also recognized his relationship to God.

The title Sovereign shows he knew God was in control. God is above all authority  and powers. Jeremiah didn't leave it there he also called him Lord. When I read in Numbers I see the children of Israel's rebellion against God. They seem to constantly want to be the lord of their own life Jeremiah surrendered the lordship to God.

I like this prayer,"Ah, Sovereign Lord!". I often don't understand what God is doing in my life and it helps me to take a deep breath and exhale slowly. It helps me even more to remind myself that God is Sovereign and that He is my Lord.

Taking refuge under the shelter of your wings!

Sometimes when I am really tired and preparing to sleep I feel vulnerable. All the things I've done wrong,the stupid,thoughtless things I've said parade themselves in my mind. Everything I chose not to worry about during the day comes out of hiding to haunt me in the night. Recently a friend asked me how I meditated on Scripture one of my favorite times to meditate is during the twilight of my consciousness when I am so vulnerable to negative thoughts.

Earlier this week I was drifting off to sleep when my mind began to wander into the negative zone. I decided to meditate on God's invitation to take shelter under His wing. I wrapped myself in the blanket and  thought ,"If  I was under God's wing I would also be next to His heart." All through the night when I woke with haunting thoughts I would go back to the picture of being near to the heart of God.

"Hear my cry, O God, listen to my prayer;from the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I, for you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the enemy.Let me dwell in your tent forever! Selah  
Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings!" Psalms 61:1-4

The next morning as I was waking up I saw a Scripture reference in my dream. I saw it typed at the bottom of a book mark. When I got up I looked for it in the Bible. It was Zephaniah 3: 16,17 "Fear not ,O Zion; let not your hands grow weak. The Lord you God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exalt over you with loud singing."

I sought refuge and peace near to the heart of God beneath His wing and woke to the to the sound of His singing.

Though he stumble, he will not fall

"If the Lord delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble he will not fall, for the Lord uphold him with his hand." Psalm 37:24 "Show us your unfailing love, O Lord, and grant us your salvation." Psalm 85:7 "Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth;give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name." Psalm 86:11 These verses all have something in common, they show the psalmist dependence on God.

"Even though they all fall away, I will not". I like Peter! I don't think I would have said it out loud but I probably would have thought it. Peter was a man of passion he loved Jesus, he would never "fall away", he would definitely never deny Jesus...but he did.

When Jesus, in the midst of His suffering, looked at Peter and Peter realized what he'd done he went out and wept bitterly. When Judas was confronted with the consequences of his actions he went out and hung himself. Both of these were self-righteous men but there was a difference. Peter humbled himself and accepted Jesus' forgiveness and salvation Judas didn't.

I was thinking that when sin is exposed in my life I feel embarrassed but that's not the same thing as humility. Embarrassment can also be the evidence of my own self-righteousness and pride. Humility is seen in how I deal with my sin. Do I look to myself for the cure or to God?

 In the Psalms I see the man who stumbles but is not hurled headlong because God is holding his hand, it doesn't say because he is holding God's hand.  The Psalmist refers to God's unfailing love for him not his unfailing love for God. I also appreciate the prayer,"Teach me your way, O Lord, and I will walk in your truth;give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name."Psalm 86:11 I ,like the psalmist, need God to teach me His ways so I can walk in His truth. If He doesn't give me an undivided heart my heart will probably be divided.

Peter tells us in his epistle "God is opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you." I always wondered how you were supposed to humble yourself  but Peter explains it in the next verse,"casting all your anxieties on him ,because he cares for you." 1Peter 5:5-7

What a comfort to know that Jesus invites me to let go of my self -righteousness and that though I stumble I will not be hurled head long because He holds my hand. I have a Savior.

Josh met Jesus

I"ll never forget the morning they got dropped off at Sunday School. Their mom went to into the meeting they ran out the door then out of the building. I chased them around the church and caught them in the parking lot.

In order to teach my class that morning I held Josh and my friend held Joey. It wasn't easy to hold them either. Their arms were crossed in front of them their feet restrained and the whole time I taught I dodged Josh's head as he attempted to head butt me. In the back of my mind I wondered,"Is this legal?".  But I knew if we let these boys go they'd run out into the street.

Their mother brought them for several weeks. It took a while for them to stop trying to kick and bite me but I began to see a change. One day Josh drew a picture it was of him and Jesus. I will never forget the smile on his face when he showed it to me. "Jesus loves me!", he said as he looked up at me.

That week I decided to buy Josh a children's Bible. I bought the Bible but Josh didn't come back to church. I wanted to give it to someone else after several months went by but the thought kept coming back,"This is Josh's Bible".

His mother showed up at my door one day. Josh was at the hospital having tests done and she wondered if I'd go visit him. When I got there he was hiding under his bed. I got down on the floor with him and we talked a while. He was afraid but he finally got on the bed instead of under the bed. He told me told me he had moved close to the church and I told him I'd come visit him at his house.

I kept my promise and went to visit Josh. When I handed Josh the Bible I'd bought for him he clutched it to his chest and ran up the stairs screaming, "Joey, Joey now we can find out who Jesus really is!" He ran back down the stairs grabbed my hand and took me to his room. He had very few toys but he took the well loved stuffed animal off his bed and said,"Here, take this to your little girl,and thank you for the Bible."

After that Josh came to church every Sunday. No one else in his family came just Josh. He told me he tried to get them to wake up but since they wouldn't he'd learned to set the alarm clock and come himself. I saw the peace on his face when we talked about Jesus. I understood, I remembered when I was seven and began to hear that Jesus loved me.

One day Josh didn't show up for church. I walked to his house no one was there they had moved again. But I knew Josh had met Jesus and Jesus would never leave him.

Let the day begin!

"And there was evening and there was morning and the first day."Genesis 1: 5  Don't you think that should read ,"And there was morning and evening and the first day"?  This idea of the day beginning in the evening seems odd to me. How can the day begin just as I'm getting ready to go to sleep the day should begin when I wake up. But maybe there is a message in this order, maybe the message is that I am not the center of the Universe.

I have a Franklin Planner. I really like it but I have noticed that my stress level goes up if what I plan to happen doesn't happen. When I start planning out months, weeks and days in advance I feel like saying ,"It is written therefore it must be!" This must be the way the rooster feels when it thinks the Sun rises because it crowed. I think a lot of stress is produced when I feel responsible for things I can't control.

Something I have found to help this stress I put on myself is to write across the front of the page,"Man makes his plans ,but the Lord controls what happens." Proverbs 16: 9

Well, it's getting late I think I'll go to bed. Let the day begin!

Understanding

"There he was transfigured before them. His clothes became dazzling white,whiter than anyone in the world could bleach." (Mark 9:2-4)  The next day they came down from the mountain and were confronted with chaos: a grieving father, a boy who falls to the ground, foaming at the mouth.

This week I am thinking about why Jesus came. Jesus,"Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing taking the very nature of a servant,...and became obedient to death--even death on a cross!" (Philippians 2:6-8) I find the reason for Jesus' coming at the foot of the mountain.

I have always identified with the father who was powerless to help his son. This father had faith, but in the midst of his pain he also had doubt. He came to Jesus and humbly prayed, "Lord I believe, help my unbelief." Jesus met him where he was. He heard his cry, understood his great need and answered his prayer.

Yesterday I was remembering this scene but  this time it wasn't the father I identified with, it was the son. I was eighteen again sitting huddled in the corner of a solitary confinement cell in a state mental hospital.  Confused, I sang softly, "But I know who I have believed in and I'm persuade that He is able to keep what I have committed unto Him against that day." Just like the boy at the foot of the Mountain of Transfiguration, I couldn't save myself.

Today I am reminded that when Jesus humbled himself and came down from glory, it was for me. Just as He entered into pain of the father and son at foot of the mountain, He also entered into to my pain and confusion and brought salvation.

Something to ponder

"Show us Your unfailing love, O Lord, and grant us your salvation......Love and faithfulness meet together;righteousness and peace kiss each other. Faithfulness springs up from the earth,and righteousness looks down from heaven." Psalm 85:7,10,11

The Sun always rises

I was appalled at their lack of faith! God had opened the Red Sea for them drowned their enemies and three days later they were grumbling?! I was appalled when I first read this as a child as a middle aged woman I completely identify with their grumbling. I'm a pro at grumbling it's not something I'm proud of it's just something I struggle with.

I had an amazing trip to Romania. I met wonderful people I was a part of a fantastic team I got to be a part of something God was doing. Came home and was slammed with jet lag! Lost my balance for about two weeks. I made an emotional u-turn, do I identify with the children of Israel?  Oh yeah!

I have found something in nature that I identify with, day and night. I have observed in my lifetime that there is a pattern that repeats its self over and over and over day is always followed by night. The darkness of night always has to surrender to the power of the Sun.

In my emotional life I have found that " weeping may remain for the night, but joy comes in the morning" Psalms 30:5  I have also discovered that the nighttime of my emotions is a good time for me to examine my heart. "In your anger do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent." Psalms 4:4 Night time becomes a time of reflection for me. " On my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night." Psalms 63:6 Sometimes I have to use my memory because when I'm depressed I don't feel God's presents. Even though He's still there.

This is one thing I am sure of the Sun always rises. One day" the sun of righteous will rise with healing in its wings."Malachi 4:2  On that day all my emotional nights will be over.

The scum is rising to the surface

When I moved to the farm I began making jam. This was a new experience for me. I added sugar to the fruit then put it in a pan on the stove and turned up the heat. I was amazed at the amount of scum that would rise to the surface. By the time I scraped all the scum off I wondered if anything would be left in the saucepan. This is how I felt the first time I took in someone who was homeless.

I always thought I was a nice person. Even when I was a little girl my nick name was"Saint Sarah". I'm not sure if that was meant as a good thing or a bad thing but I took it as a good thing. I wanted to be good  I wanted to be nice, that's why it was so hard when I began to see a different side of me emerging.

Anger,selfishness, and in general a lack of love began to rise to the surface.  I started to look around at other people who were trying to serve God in a self sacrificing manner. How did they do it? How did they keep these bad feelings away, what was their methodology? What I found out was that my problem wasn't feeling it was being.

God had used the friction of opening my home to expose the sin that was already there. I thought my problem was being caused by having an extra person in my house but in reality it only exposed the sin that was already in my heart.

I didn't realize it at the time but I had seen myself as a savior, someone who would come in and make things right. I would redeem a bad situation. Instead, bubbling up to the top was all this sin in my own life and I like the sauce pan on the stove could not remove the scum on my own.

I began to pray,"Lord, the scum is rising to the surface please scrape it off." I needed a Savior and a
Redeemer. I wish I could say that it was a once in a lifetime experience but that would be a lie. Because I have a Savior and a Redeemer I have this assurance that when the stresses of life expose the sin inside me He is using it as an opportunity to purity my life.

Now I often pray,"Lord, the scum is rising to the surface please scrap it off!", and He does.

It would take a miracle for me to forgive

I didn't know I could be so angry. I didn't know that forgiveness was impossible. Why did Jesus teach us to pray "Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors"? I knew the parable Jesus told about servant whose debt was cancelled but refused to have mercy on a fellow servant and was turned over to the tormentor."This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."Matthew 18:35 I felt like I was being tormented.

Somethings are harder to learn than others. Some lessons are learned as we memorize the facts and apply them other lessons are learned on our knees through a veil of tears. For me learning how to forgive was done on my knees. This is a lesson I am still learning.

"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold. Ephesians 4: 26,27 " I will never be able to sleep again!", I thought. I didn't want to be angry I wanted to forgive but my emotions were holding me hostage. My prayer went something like this,"I don't know what you want me to do! I don't know how to obey you! God, please help me!"

God hears our prayers and answers us in our confusion. First, I began to understand that in order to cancel a debt I had to acknowledge that there was a debt. It was okay for me to fully admit that I had been wronged. Next I had to forgive as God had forgiven me. That's what I found impossible to do.

Philippians 2:12 tells us to," work out our salvation with fear and trembling." This is exactly were I found myself in my journey to forgiveness. I didn't want to be the unmerciful servant in Jesus' parable, I didn't want to give the devil a foothold and I didn't know how to honestly forgive. I knew it would take a miracle and it did. Verse 13 says, "for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose."

There was only one solution I had to ask God's help. "This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that he hears us -whatever we ask -we know that we have what we have asked of Him". 1 John 5:14,15 He came to my rescue He answered my prayer.

There are things in this life that it takes a miracle to forgive but that miracle  is available upon request.

From Heavens perspective

I spent yesterday with a friend whose daughter is critically ill. My friend is also my prayer partner she and I have spent hours before God's throne together but we have also spent hours together in hospital waiting rooms grieving the suffering of her child. There is suffering in this world and simplistic answers  bring more insult than comfort. However, I have found deep comfort in God's Word.

When I began to study prophecy I felt like the curtains of Heaven  were pulled back and I was able to see life and history from an eternal perspective. It was painful to do an in depth study of  Jeremiah and Lamentations. I studied these books inductively using the Precept Bible studies. This meant that for an hour every morning I was studying the "Weeping Prophet". I also have the Bible on CD so while in my car I listened to the chapters again and again. Sometimes I found myself weeping with Jeremiah as I surveyed through Scripture the devastation brought by sin. I could see like Jeremiah how God had told in Deuteronomy the cause and effect of disobedience. Jeremiah not only prophesied the destruction of Jerusalem he experienced the pain and suffering personally.

How, you might ask, could there be any comfort in the study of Jeremiah's writings? I saw the heart of the Heavenly Father. The discipline for sin was not the end of the story. In the 29th chapter of Jeremiah   I find a letter to the Exiles who have been carried into Babylon. "This is what the Lord says:'When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my gracious promise to bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,' declares the Lord..."

For me this message in Jeremiah not only shows the heart of the Heavenly Father grieving over the consequence of His children's sin but it also shows His plan of redemption. Isn't that the story of the whole Bible? There is love, there is disobedience, there are consequences, there is the sacrificial love of God, there is Redemption. Also in the last chapters of the Bible I read again and again that God will wipe away the tears from our eyes. His plan from the beginning of time was not to harm us but to give us hope and a future intimate fellowship with our Heavenly Father.

I sit in the waiting room with my friend our hearts are heavy with grief but not devoid of hope.

When times are good be happy

I had just finished teaching "An invitation to a storm"a study on Mark 4: 35-41 when she came up to talk to me. She told me about the happy place she was in life. She and her husband were doing well she had just given birth to her second child and her family was experiencing a deep since of peace and harmony the verse that came to me was "When times are good be happy;but when times are bad , consider;God made the one as well as the other." Ecclesiastes 7:14

I understood why she came up to me I know the feeling I have often had when things seemed to be going well. In my mind the verse could be written,"When things are good you better enjoy it because you know it's not going to last." This since of foreboding definitely detracts from from my ability to experience joy.

Circumstances change but God remains the same. When I read the Bible I am keenly aware of an invitation to know who God is. When I read about how God took His children into the wilderness before taking them into the Promise Land I see God wanting to teach them to trust Him. I remember The first time I saw that God wanted them to "enter into His rest" but they would not. I began to ask to let me enter into His rest. I didn't realize that I was asking for a trip into the wilderness.

How does the wilderness become a place to learn to trust God and enter into His rest? I have found the answer in Deuteronomy 32:10,11 " In the desert land he found him, in a barren and howling waste. He shielded him and cared for him; he guarded him as the apple of his eye, like an eagle that stirs up its nest and hovers over its young, that spreads its wings to catch them and carries them on its pinions."I see this in God's leading the Children of  Israel through the wilderness and I find it true in my own "wilderness".

Because of our relationship with a loving God we can rest secure in good times and in bad because He remains the same and He loves us. "Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders." Deuteronomy 33:12

Faithful in prayer

The verse was stamped onto a paper bag. The bag contained a gift to my grandson. However, for me, the gift was the words stamped onto the bag. "Be joyful in hope,patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12

I meditated on this verse for days,captivated by the truth.  I even woke at 2 A.M. convicted by my lack joy which was symptomatic of my lack of hope. Aware that instead of being patient in affliction I just wanted to be relieved of affliction. But an even deeper awareness that I was not faithful in prayer. No, I instead more often shrugged my shoulders in defeat and with grim acceptance said,"That's just the way it is."

Why do I stop praying? It's because I loose my focus. I become overwhelmed by the problems in my life. When I fail to rejoice in hope and persevere in suffering then it is easy to become unfaithful about praying.

When I present my requests to God. I am acknowledging through faith that He loves me, that He is concerned  about the struggles I have in this life.  When I make my petitions with thanksgiving I am rejoicing in hope. I am confident that God is at work on my behalf.  He is my Redeemer, Savior, High Priest and friend. By His grace He has allowed me to be His child. I have a place in His Kingdom story.

When I am joyful in hope I can persevere in affliction because by faith I know I can call out to God in prayer and He is listening.

Telling myself the truth

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord you God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."Deuteronomy 31:8

" Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said,
 ' Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.' So we say with confidence, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" Hebrews 13:5,6

My children are accustomed to seeing 3x5 all around the house. I use them to tell myself the truth. When ever I'm reading the Bible and a verse stands out to me I copy it on a 3x5 card.  I find my "truth markers" everywhere. Of course I can't keep it to myself and there are many 3x5's in my children's possessions.

Today the truth I'm carrying with me is that God has gone before me, that He is with me, and that He will never forsake me.

You will steer the car in the direction you are looking

"Sarah! keep your eyes on the road." I remember hearing this a lot when I was learning to drive. Up until they put me in the drivers seat I had been a passenger and had the liberty to gaze at the scenery.  Now I was told that I would steer the car in the direction I was looking.

I have found this to be true in my life in general. When I find myself feeling depressed or angry I stop and consider what I'm thinking about. I find Philippians 4:8 very helpful," Finally, brothers, whatever is true. whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -- think about such things." What happens when I choose to think about these things ? I find the verse that follows to be true,"And  the God of peace will be with you."

Once when I was a little girl and I was full of gloom an older Christian shared this verse with me. "...offer to God a sacrifice of praise"Hebrews 13:15   I just want to say that if you are feeling depressed it's really hard to praise God.  I guess that is why it would be considered a sacrifice. However, I have found again and again that just as you steer the car in the direction you are looking ,your emotions follow the direction of your thoughts.

Since I have been given a choice today of what to think about I have decided to rejoice in the Lord!

"They think I'm the team leader!"

"They think I'm the team leader !"" That's because you are.", I said with a smile. Perhaps she thought I would be the leader because I was almost fifteen years older than she was but leadership ability does not come with years. Paula proved to be an excellent leader on our Romanian trip.

Several years ago I was struggling with the obvious gaps in my personality. I lamented the fact that I was not a leader nor  was I an administrator. Trying harder and reading books about the subject didn't seem to help either.

I prayed and asked God for His perspective for my obvious lack since He was the one who made me the way I am. As I prayed I began to see myself as a piece of a puzzle. I realized that I only considered the convex parts as valuable. I saw them as my Spiritual gifts.

In prayer I felt God showing me that the concave part of the puzzle was as much a gift as the convex. He created me to be part of his body. I realized that instead of being given all the Spiritual gifts within myself He gave me other people to make me complete. He gave me the gift of relationships.

God gave Paula the gift of leadership but He gave me the gift of encouragement so I could cheer her on in carrying out the responsibilities of her new role.

The lifter of my head

I didn't know anyone could take up so little space. I noticed her my first night in Romania. I was there to teach a nightly Bible study. She came with her head bent down not joining any conversation she perched on the very edge of the couch.

I have noticed that sometimes songs have a rhythmic beat that reminds me of the beating of a heart. Each Bible study  I did had an underling beat that went like this,"Jesus loves you, Jesus loves you, Jesus loves you."

Slowly she began to lift her head. I remember the first time she dared make eye contact. On the third day she wrote her name and gave it to my interpretor. On the forth day I greeted her by name and saw her smile. We took a picture the last night of the Bible study I will always be able to pick her out in that picture she's the one who has her arm around my shoulder.

I never heard her story  but by God's grace I was allowed to write a sentence of it. It went like this,"You are loved, you are loved, you are loved!" I was given the privilege of seeing the love of Jesus lift her head.

Be still and know

One of my favorite things to do on Sunday afternoon is to find a quite spot out in the woods. If its cold I take a blanket and a chair and then I just sit there. My goal is simple I want to look until I can see and listen until I can hear. Although this may sound like an easy exercise it isn't because it takes time for the buzz of the world to leave my mind and heart so that I can really see what I'm looking at and understand what I'm hearing.

I began this practice in response to the verse,"Be still and know that I am God"Psalms 46:10. When I looked up the Hebrew for the word 'be still' I found the word relax and sink. I also got the picture in my mind of a bow where the string is slake. I find this to be a very unnatural state for me because I often feel like I need to be accomplishing something. Even in my times with God,wouldn't it be better if I were praying ,reading my Bible, or doing something godly? Am I allowed to really just sink into His presents and relax.


Then comes the 'knowing'. When I looked up the meaning for this word I found it meant to, acknowledge, to be acquainted with, it seemed to carry with it the idea of spending time together. So I sit in the woods listening and looking for God focused on His gift of creation. When I am finally able to have my bow unstrung and sink down into His presence surrendering my weakness to His strength I am filled with a since of peace.

This morning ,however, my thoughts have taken me in a different direction. What if I applied this not only to my vertical relationship but also my horizontal relationships? What would it be like if today when I am with my husband  I really not only listened to his words but tried to understand their meaning? What would happen if I went beyond looking at him and began to really see him? Isn't that what Jesus did?

Today Lord, please grant me the grace to be still and know that you are God. Please also grant me the grace to be more like Jesus and slow down and listen and seek to understand .

If just a cup of water I place within you hand...

"If just a cup of water I place within your hand then just a cup of water is all that I demand." These words to a song  were the words that came to me my first morning home from Romania.

Paula had told me as we were preparing to go that she had only been able to think of two songs "Amazing  Grace" and "Jesus loves me". This was frustrating for her because she is an accomplished singer with a library of CDs. Paula was also the team leader for our trip and I believe that God had given her the theme for all that took place on our Romanian trip.All that was said on this trip and all that was done centered around these two truths,God's amazing grace and the love of Jesus.

Again and again we saw this truth played out. When we went to Casa Joseph and met the girls who lived at the orphanage they listened spellbound as Paula sang these two songs to them and then they requested they be sung every time we saw them. I cannot count how many times Paula sang about God's grace and Jesus' love at churches at the school and at the nightly Bible study.

On our last day in Romania we were all tired. Paula and I both were fighting a cold Kara our team mate had given her testimony numerous times. We were going to two churches. On the way I prayed and asked God what I should say. It's not that I hadn't prepared for this trip but by this time I had already spoken about twenty times. In answer to my prayer I felt the Lord encouraging me to rest in His love and trust in His grace.

Each time I stood to speak I was given a message for that particular church.. On our way home I spoke to my teammates about my experience. They had felt the same way. We had all experienced  both God's grace and his love.

"If just a cup of water I place within you hand then just a cup of water is all that I demand." What a privilege to experience being both called and equipped to serve the Lord.